'and if you want to leave i can guarantee you won't find nobody else like me' ~follow me (uncle kracker)

i wake up monday to a knock on my door from the little girl that lives down the hall:
'miss caitlin, can you braid my hair today?'
'of course! what's the occasion?'
'it's valentine's day!'

oh. fudge.

moments later i get a text from my sister: happy singles awareness day!
thanks kristen.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against valentine's day - i made valentines for my friends with cookies and nerdy pickup lines :) - but this hallmark holiday has an uncanny knack for making those of us without valentines feel a little more isolated than usual. this is temporarily resolved by going to see Gnomeo and Juliet and sneaking chips and salsa into the theater, but when the laughter subsides, the stylish 3D glasses come off, and your girlfriends are gone - you're left with your thoughts, generally consisting of (but in no way limited to) 'wait - why don't i have a valentine?'

a few days ago one of my professors dropped some serious knowledge on my significant texts in western religion class: don't get married when you're lonely. dang. i suppose it's true though - it isn't until you understand what it means to be independent and happy with yourself that you can truly appreciate someone else and expect them to appreciate you just as much. if you can't deal with your flaws when you're all alone to face and deal with them yourself - how could anyone else? so this is me, accepting/acknowledging/broadcasting my flaws in an effort to not be lonely... what? whatever:

i realize that i am FAR from perfect. my unhealthy obsession with country music, inability to verbalize and have important conversations, moodiness, general lack of empathy in some situations, prudishness, sarcasm, bitchyness, addiction to trashy music and tv, and distinct deficiency in the way of style are a VERY few of my less-than-desirable qualities. my occasional spaceyness, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and unorganized tendencies, as well as my uncanny ability to make any situation incredibly awkward also rank rather high on the 'things-that-could-drive-anyone-mad' list. i'm not the best driver. i bottle up my emotions until they all rush out at once (usually resulting in my snapping at an inappropriate moment that doesn't warrant a rant/cry, but somehow that's the only way i can deal with it).

phew. this is rough.

i despise making decisions. i bite my fingernails. i am terrible at keeping track of expenses and i worry far too much. it takes A LOT for me to trust someone. i'm annoying in more ways than one. i burp like a man and have mastered what my daddy calls the 'you've done something wrong and will soon feel my wrath' look. i call bullshit far too often - sorry fellas. i micro-manage people, but i've decided that's why i'm going to be an awesome kindergarten teacher. when i get defensive i can be extremely condescending in an effort to not feel like an idiot, which backfires and just makes me look like an ass. i'm a terrible conversationalist and speller. i'm bad at letting people know how much they mean to me. i have a super unattractive resting face. i'm spastic. i would lose my head if it weren't attached to my body - no seriously. i'm mean. i can be SO hateful if provoked. i can't take compliments.

i could go on, but i don't think my ego can handle this much longer.

while i have come to terms with the fact that i need to work on some of these things - i also understand that step 1 to forming healthy relationships with others is to learn to love yourself, all of yourself - even the less-than-socially-acceptable/desirable tendencies/qualities/habits. and honestly, sometimes i'm convinced that i'm actually pretty fabulous - so it's gonna pay off for some guy when he decides he's willing to put up with my manic-spastic-emotional-self. and i have friends - so i must not be too awful.

mama used to tell me that i was perfect because God doesn't make mistakes. i am SO perfectly imperfect - aren't we all?

<3

'we talked and drank and danced and said goodbye - we laughed until we cried' ~laughed until we cried (jason aldean)

i wish someone had told me how fast time would go by: how minutes would seem like seconds and years would dissolve into memories so terrifyingly quickly. maybe i would've gone to that concert two states over when i had the chance, painted my face and screamed a little louder at the last football game, stayed up all night talking about things that seemed meaningless at the time, or told him that i thought i might like him. maybe i would've been less self-conscious and told my manager to shove-it when he asked me to come in early and stay late. maybe i would've said 'i love you' more and 'i hate her' less, taken more chances, and pictures, made more promises and made sure to keep them. maybe i would've gotten into trouble, actually learned how to dance, let my guard down, and told that guy just what i thought of his jerkish tendencies. maybe i would've played on that i.m. football team instead of thinking that the boys would get frustrated with me, or that i looked like an idiot when i wore rainboots and leggings. maybe i would've skipped the 3rd revision on that paper and watched that movie with my girlfriends instead, gone to more mug nights, and gone on ferry-rides more often.

maybe i would've spent less time worrying and more time living.

maybe they did tell me. maybe i just didn't listen.

this semester i resolve to dance until my feet ache, love until my heart breaks, sing until my throat hurts, and laugh until my lungs burst. i will hug until i can't hold my arms up, share until i have nothing left to give, smile until my laugh lines become permanent, wish on shooting stars until i run out of prayers, and drive until my tires wear out. i'm going to attend enough tribe basketball and baseball games to set a world record, take pictures until my camera refuses to function, kick butt in my classes, and have so much fun i won't know what to do with myself. i resolve to be unabashedly happy. i will not have regrets. i will not let opportunities pass me by. i refuse to let what i don't have effect what i do [thanks s&tc]. i will say goodbye in the best way possible - by celebrating with those i love.

whatever time we are given will be absolutely enough as long as we make the most of it.
~if i die young (the band perry)
the college of william and mary, class of 2011 <3

'life's what you make it, so let's make it rock' ~life's what you make it (hannah montana)

i've never been good a keeping new year resolutions - the whole 'make unrealistic goals only to fail and be disappointed in yourself' is over-rated in my opinion. instead, at the beginning of each year i make a list of things i want to do in the months to follow [you know how i love lists]. sometimes they're just general 'be more spontaneous' or 'talk with God more' things; others are stolen straight from my 'list of things to do before i die [they've gotta get done somehow - right?]

here's my list for 2011:

• see a 'double feature' at a local movie joint
• spend WAY too much on REALLY cute shoes. like - an absurd amount of money [but i have to be in love with them - and not so absurd that i can't pay my bills]
  
• drive for 3 days without looking at a map, figure out where i am on day 4 and keep going
• shoot at least 5 weddings [1 down, 2 in the making, and 2 more to go!]
• see/swim in the pacific ocean [if i'm gonna go all the way there to look at it, i might as well jump in]
  
• kiss a boy in the rain
• sleep under the stars (not even in a tent - nothin between me and the sky, except maybe a blanket)
• shower in a waterfall
• ride on a motorcycle
• ask a boy out on a date
  
• move out of va
• be more fun [i know this is sorta broad and ambiguous, but it includes: being more spontaneous, not being so dang timid when it comes to being around people i don't know, flirting, wearing cute clothes, being more sociable, so on and so forth]
  

out of my list of 10 things to do in 2010, i accomplished all but 1 [fit into my freshman jeans - please, like that would ever actually happen], so i'm feelin pretty good about this one too. last year i ended up traveling to europe, selling my artwork, and becoming a bartender at hooters, so it's safe to say that a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. is possible. 2010 is gonna be hard to beat, but seeing as how i'm about to start my LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE at least the first 5 months of 2011 are sure to be epic. and despite the possible jobless-homeless-futurelessness that months 6-12 may or may not bring, i'm pretty STOKED about life right now.

here we go ladies and gents - fasten your seat belts and hold on to your long johns. this is probably going to be a little rocky. BRING IT 2011.

'if i could write a letter to me' ~letter to me (brad paisley)

last year i had the pleasure of ringing in the new year with a few of my closest friends. the family that hosted us was positively wonderful and they have the coolest traditions! ten years prior the family had all of the kids write to themselves and on new year's eve they all read the letters that their 9, 10, and 11 year-old-selves wrote to the young women and men they had become. while they were comical at times (from wishes for toys to houses to always living with your sister, everything was mentioned) they made us all think: 'what would we have said to ourselves if we had written these letters to us?' my girlfriends and i thought about doing the same activity, but then we got scared; what if we wrote to our 30-year-old selves and were then disappointed with our lives? what if 10 years from now we read these and we're so upset that our lives aren't what we wanted that it completely changes our outlook and we spiral into a heart-wrenching depression? albeit slightly dramatic - it was a legitimate concern - so we didn't write the letters. despite the impending melancholy and possible mid-life crisis that is sure to ensue, i've decided that this year i'm going to write a letter to me. but instead of reading it 10 years from now (when i [hopefully - fingers crossed] have a family and my depression would effect more than just me) i'll read it again in a year.
random note: i designed it as a semi pick-me-up just in case my life sucks in a year. be prepared, it's sappy:

hey gurl hey,
by the time you read this, you'll have graduated college (hopefully) and have started a new life. you will NOT be in grad school, or the north, or living with your parents, or homeless... i don't think. actually, i don't know where you'll be, but i hope you are surrounded by good friends, live somewhere that you aren't afraid to go outside at night, have a job that you like well enough, and are figuring out what you want to do with yourself. you will most certainly have some semblance of a library (even if it's just a bookshelf), i would like to think that you have a boyfriend (i mean - it isn't a necessity, but it would be nice), some sort of transportation (remember: scooters come in some quite fabulous colors), and a baller camera that you love using. the last one is the most important. so if that hasn't happened get on that asap.

i hope you haven't forgotten about the things that make you happy in your struggle to survive. i hope you've found a church family wherever you ended up - i'm probably most nervous for this one. always remember that there's a country song for everything no matter what you're feeling, that the Lord will always be with you no matter how alone you think you are, that your mama taught you how to be strong no matter how weak you feel, and that you can do anything you set your mind to no matter how far-fetched your dreams may seem. remember that grandmama's voice is only a phone-call away and that if it really gets that bad you can always go home - they'll be there.

don't be so hard-headed or hard on yourself. and don't be afraid to ask for help. when you get really nervous - as you're apt to do - don't forget that you probably have your lucky penny in your shoe. whey you get scared - remind your irrational self that there aren't actually monsters in your closet or under your bed, so it's probably not as bad as you think. when you want to give up - remember to believe in yourself. when you start to worry - don't. when you think that maybe your laugh is kind-of annoying or you rehash situations over and over and think about what you should've done differently - stop. i know you'll probably still be doing this, but really - you need to stop. it just makes things worse. it always has and it always will. but maybe most importantly: when you refuse to settle for less than what you want - keep on keepin on. you go girl.

i hope you are happy. if you aren't - get that way. it's a mindset. i hope you read lots - and that your vocabulary has improved vastly. i hope you still have a subscription to Southern Living - because it's all about the little things. i really really really want you to be cool in real life. i want you to be able to walk in heels confidently. actually you WILL be cool, and you WILL be able to walk in heels. there. now it has to happen. if you still don't have a 'little black dress' that makes you feel invincible, go buy one. don't forget that you absolutely abhor running, but it's the one thing that can actually take your mind off things.

don't forget about that box with all of the pictures that you love the most. it's in the bottom of the rubbermaid container labeled 'chapter three.' oh and somewhere there's a box with all of the things that meant the most to you in college - everything in there was given to you by someone who made a difference in your life. there is also a folder with your favorite quotes and passages from books that you love and things that you had hanging in your room that meant something special to you - find it if you feel like you've lost yourself. go through it and hopefully you'll start coming back.

i hope you have enough money for rent, enough food for your belly, enough happiness for laughter, enough love for someone else, enough time for yourself, enough tenacity to never give up, and enough gas to get to the beach. but if not, i hope you have enough gumption to figure out how to get them.

regardless of where you live or what your job is though, i'm proud of you and i love you. now go do something with yourself. and stop biting your fingernails. it's really gross. oh and i hope you're still keeping that diary - the one with spots on it and the piece of fabric that wraps around it. if you aren't you should start again, it helped you figure things out when you needed it most.

always,
you

ps - call mama and tell her that you love her and are thankful for her. make sure to check on kristen too - tell her how gorgeous she is and that you miss her. you never have been good at saying those things to them.

*i encourage all 11 of you blog followers to write a letter to you as well - remind yourself of the things you love about yourself and the things you're working on. happy new year :]

'i wanna walk away too, but i want you to say you - are sorry' ~say you're sorry (sara bareilles)

these past few days have been positively glorious: no papers to write or tests to study for, customers to take care of or bars to clean, meetings to go to or committees to serve on. my days have been consumed by mindless pleasures that include, but are not limited to: baking, reading, laughing, eating, dancing around awkwardly [which - if you know me - you understand how well i can awkwardly dance], catching up with friends, photographing, fraternizing, and relaxing. aside from this year's holiday season being remembered as 'the year mama let me make the cheesecake' [no one but mama has EVER been allowed to make it, but somehow this year i was allowed to partake in the hallowed tradition of the making of the christmas cheesecake. and let me just say: it wasn't as good as mama's, but it was pretty darn good] it's been one of reflection and contemplation. i mean, there's currently over a foot of snow on the ground - and it's still comin down strong. sledding and making snow cream DO get old after awhile believe it or not, so naturally there's plenty of time to think. this post is packed full of epiphanies - so snuggle up, grab some sweet tea and sit for awhile :]

as i was watching my little sister tear up the side of a mountain skiing, i got to thinking about parents. we were waiting for our dad to get there and it dawned on me that i doubt my parents a lot more than i used to. it really stinks when your parents don't turn out to be the superheroes that you once thought they were. you'd think that at the age of 21 i would've come to terms with the fact that parents aren't infallible or invincible. nonetheless, a little part of me dies every time this universal truth is rediscovered: like when you realize that daddy can't actually rewind tv - it was a tape. or that mama hasn't developed some immunity to cutting onions - her eyes don't water because she's wearing contacts. i should've learned that daddy will ALWAYS be late and sometimes won't show up at all and that he will undoubtedly forget to call for weeks at a time. and while i still don't think i'll ever be able to peel potatoes as fast as mama, i now understand that it isn't because she is endowed with special 'potato peeling abilities' - it's because she's a mama. parents are human - we shouldn't expect them to never make a mistake or do things that frustrate us. to expect that would be to expect the impossible - and we'd be setting awful lofty expectations for ourselves whenever we grow up and have kids of our own.

guys also fall nicely into the category of 'harsh reality checks' when it comes to expectations. disclaimer: i am NOT an expert on guys or relationships - if i get something completely wrong or you have a different opinion feel free to share. boys have kinda been on my mind a lot lately - this time of year does that to you. it's perfect weather for curling up with someone special and watching a movie or cooking spaghetti and drinking a glass of cheap wine. this is what i've concluded about the less-fair sex whilst holed up in my thermals, fuzzy socks and pigtails:

1. you can't MAKE a boy like you - they're either attracted to you or they aren't. just because all of your friends see you for the adorable, smart, funny, witty, beautiful-inside-and-out individual you are doesn't mean that every boy on the planet will too. regardless of how much you hang out, how much you make him laugh and how much good food you feed him - if you've been put into the 'friend' category it's unlikely that you'll ever get out of it. accept it. get over it. embrace it. their loss. and hey - every girl could benefit from a few close friends who are boys. and vice verso: regardless of how 'perfect' all of your friends tell you boy 'x' is for you - if you aren't attracted to him, you aren't attracted to him.

2. somewhat along the same thread: just because you feel something more doesn't mean that the guy wants anything more. don't assume that interest means interest in anything beyond the body. so when you find yourself involved with a guy who isn't looking for anything too serious, but you think you want something more, it's better to just walk away rather than making a complete fool out of yourself. so when you realize that this is the case - seriously, just move on. don't expect closure or for him to apologize, because in all likelihood it's not gonna happen. by walking away and making a conscious effort to forget about him you'll save yourself a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, and friends who are ready to slap some sense into you for having to watch you turn yourself into an emotional train-wreck over some no-good-two-timing-dirty-rotten-lyin-cheatin-son-of-a-b*tch who doesn't even have the decency of swamp gas. maybe it's easier said than done, but it CAN be done. i promise.

3. followup: if a girl gives a guy the impression that all she wants is a casual, meaningless hookup, that's all he'll ever want. why would he commit more than necessary? if you know that you can't hookup without getting attached - don't hookup. it's really not that complicated - and while this may lead to countless nights snuggling with a stuffed animal instead of a cutie, it's better than the alternative: spending entirely too much time and energy on people who don't deserve it.

obviously there are some exceptions... but as we've all learned from experience: never expect to be the exception. it's a harsh reality, but a reality nonetheless.

i know that this post was somewhat random [and slightly cynical at times], but everything falls under the over-arching category of 'truths that kinda suck.' and like most reality checks: they might come as a rude awakening, but are completely necessary. and just in case guys actually read this and you've managed to get this far in the post without throwing your computer: you're not all worthless, scum-bag, emotionless idiots - it's just that the vast majority of your gender are, and it's sometimes very difficult to find those of you who aren't. don't hate me - it's just an observation.

enough of this - i can hear my family yelling and jumping around in the living room... so i'm gonna go join in. pictionary and just dance 2 here i come!!

ps - i got the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS EVER: pyrex glassware, a pie dish, power tools, a crock pot, and mason jar stemware. yes - you read correctly - mason jar stemware. ilovemylife.

'girl you're beautiful, you're probably perfect, but i bet somebody's already told you that' ~lookin for a good time (lady antebellum)

ok here's the deal: i need to learn how to flirt.

the story: i'm at a party this weekend. i've actually brushed my hair and put on clothes other than sweatpants for the first time in 2 weeks and made an effort to apply mascara (oh hey final exams). i'm talking to my girlfriends and turn away for a hot second. a boy comes up to me and tells me he thinks i'm cute. i have no idea what to do. he walks away never to be seen or heard from again. a bajillion things run through my mind: did that really just happen? that NEVER happens! was it a joke? it must've been a dare or something. wait, was he serious? WHY DIDN'T I SAY ANYTHING!!?!?!??! what is wrong with me? fail caits. fail.

background information: for those of you who know me, i'm fairly quiet until i get to know you. talking makes me uncomfortable unless i am well acquainted with those i'm conversing with. when i get nervous or am put into a situation in which i am uncomfortable, i shut down. i don't like attention - i like observing. i write; i do not orate. when i do speak, i'm generally rather awkward. luckily once i get comfortable my quirky, smart-assed self sometimes decides to show, but until then i'm kinda socially-inept [and even after my like-ability is somewhat questionable]. this is true ESPECIALLY if i'm interested in whomever i'm interacting with. as a general rule: if i see you across the room and i think i might want to get to know you, i will avoid eye contact. if you come over because you know my friend and start talking, i will make a conscious effort to remain out of the conversation. seem counter-productive? it is.

essentially: the spoken word is not my forte. and neither is talking with boys. ironically, i work at hooters, which requires that i actually talk to folks. however, if you flirt there you'll be asked out - or even proposed to - quicker than ice cream melts on a summer day in downtown memphis, so i've actually mastered the art of NOT flirting. in fact, i've been told more than once that i exude the 'f*ck-off' vibe. i should probably work on that.

in conclusion: i need to learn how to be more approachable. more specifically, if i am approached and i am genuinely interested, i need to learn how to show that i'm interested. whoa. this is gettin scary.

the plan: i'm thinking that smiling is essential, as is eye contact. after watching my flop of a friday night, one of my girlfriends decided it was necessary to actually set up a list of steps for me to follow, which i've provided (verbatim) below:
1. engage in eye contact
2. find common interests
3. continue being the smart ass adorable girl you are
4. find something to laugh about - girls who laugh seem more chill less crazy
5. make physical contact: a brush on the arm, a light, flirty punch
[hebba gets credit for all of this]

the goal: implement some (all is a little ambitious for the first go-round) of these. wish me luck? and give me suggestions...

'call me crazy if you got it in you, but these people don't seem to mind' ~all over now (eric hutchinson)

we're in the home stretch now - finals have begun and the madness that seems to wreak havoc on the sanity of students has ensued. finding a place to study takes just as long as the studying itself, and it's harder to find seats in the library than at a major sporting event. tension and caffeine consumption are at abnormally high rates. seemingly minute annoyances ranging from there not being enough outlets to the vending machines in swem being devoid of anything but three year old gum suddenly seem to be threats to world peace. people are sleeping in the library, showering in miller, and brushing their teeth in academic buildings.

stop. this. madness.

i'm not saying don't study for your exams. by all means, please don't fail. but amidst the chaos and cramming remember that sometimes you just need to dance around your room in socks by yourself, or go for a drive, or drink a diet coke. take a break and write for fun, curl your hair and wear a dress, go grocery shopping, eat that piece of chocolate pie with your girlfriend, or buy that somewhat overpriced pair of little black booties that you've been thinking about ever since you saw them. sometimes sleeping for more than 2 1/2 hours is more important than studying for that greek and roman mythology exam that you're probably going to do less-than-well on anyway. sometimes you just NEED to curse. loudly. and sing aloud on the first floor of the library.

while you're worrying about your grades, don't forget about yourself. and really, is it going to matter if you don't get an A on that exam? yeah, your gpa will plummet and you probably won't get into grad school so you'll obviously be homeless for the remainder of your existence and most definitely won't go on to solve world hunger, but maybe you weren't supposed to get your PhD anyway...

<3