"girl you're amazing just the way you are" ~just the way you are (bruno mars)

occasionally i have these brief instances of clarity and contentment. they usually come and go without anyone really noticing. they don't seem that important. whether it be riding with the windows down through the surry countryside after taking the ferry home or sitting outside in the sunshine reading/writing/listening to music, i can honestly say they don't happen very often; these moments in which i am completely and utterly at peace with myself, the world around me, and where i fit into it. moments in which i am not worried about academics, work, friends, family, but instead blissfully fulfilled. in these fleeting seconds of pure happiness i am more than satisfied with myself and where i am spiritually, intellectually, academically, socially, physically. these moments have always been short-lived. i go to sleep smiling and wake up too late to make it to church and remember that i have a portfolio due, 500 pages of reading, a group-project and two exams that week that i haven't started studying for because i've been working all weekend [welcome to life at the w&m].

but this last one was different. somehow the fleeting instance has turned into a timeless realization:

i'm not doin half bad.

no - everything is not perfect or enchantingly simple and flawless. but when will it ever be? i'm learning from my mistakes. i'm making new ones. i'm living. no - i'm not getting all a's or going out on dates with amazing guys or being bold or checking things off of my list-of-things-to-do-before-i-die or figuring out what i want to be when i grow up. no - i'm not getting everything right. but what kind of life would it be if i were? that's not what it's about. it's about embracing the world and yourself and all their perfect imperfections with a smiling face, open arms and a willing heart.

i can't be afraid to get things wrong. i can't be afraid to make mistakes. because in the end, the mistakes and how you deal with/overcome them are what makes you 'you.'

i can't really take full credit for this realization - i get by with a little help from my friends :] thanks christopher and deb lovelovelove

"i resolve - to regain my voice" ~back to where i was (eric hutchinson)

there's something about being barefoot that puts everything into perspective.

somehow over the past few months i've become so incredibly lost. i can't pinpoint exactly where it was that i started wandering off of the path, but now i appear to be in the middle of a very dense, very scary, very unfamiliar forest - with no clearing in sight. i've strayed too far from myself. recently, i've done things so totally uncharacteristic of the person i want to be... of the person i once was. don't get me wrong, that person was far from perfect; she was insecure, too apologetic, and she invested too much time and effort in too many of the wrong people. she most definitely didn't have everything together - that'll never happen - but at least she stood for something.

i'm disappointed in myself. i'm disappointed in the person i've become.

i need to get back to the sweet, blue-eyed young woman i once was - whose definition of a crazy night was watching a meteor shower at 4am across the james river with her girlfriends or eating an entire pint of ben&jerrys without any help. i want to get back to the wholesome, southern sweetheart who drinks chocolate milk for breakfast, isn't afraid to talk funny, puts her foot down when she needs to, and tells her little sister absolutely everything. i need to embrace the intelligent, smart-assed, quirky, quiet, loving, shy girl who refuses to allow herself to be compromised. she may lack self-confidence, but that's better than lacking self-respect.

i need to find her again. quickly.

"Gone for so long now / I gotta get back to her somehow / To American honey..."
~american honey (lady antebellum)

'get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible' ~impossible (rascal flatts)

four years ago, as a senior in high school, i wrote my college entrance essay (which [by the way] i'm convinced is the ONLY reason that i got into william and mary... because it sure as heck wasn't my SAT scores). it was written about a 6-year-old boy with red hair, freckles, and a smile that could melt your heart - my little brother. it emphasized that the most important lesson i had ever learned was from a boy who only ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches folded (never cut down the middle) and was obsessed with thomas the train. in the smallest instance, a seemingly inconsequential happening, from the most unassuming person imaginable, he taught me that inspiration can come from absolutely anyone, anywhere.

yesterday, he managed to do it again.

danny plays for a pop-warner football team - offensive tackle (he's a little bigger than when i wrote about him last). they've really struggled this year; they almost didn't have enough players to make a team, a couple of the kids haven't been able to play because of weight restrictions, and they haven't won a game yet. they played yesterday, so i called him beforehand to wish him good luck and tell him to call me when they were done to let me know how they did. when i saw my mama's number flash up on my phone two hours later i knew it was him. he sounded SO excited when i picked up - he was still out of breath from running off of the field and i could tell that he was grinning from ear to ear. i just knew that they had gotten their first win of the season.

his response when i asked how the game went: 'kk, we only lost by 1 point!'

i was disappointed. and confused. these kids had been working so hard, been through so much. i wanted so badly for them to be rewarded for everything they had been through, but they had lost... and my little brother was happy about it. what was going on?

then i realized he was doing it again: teaching me the things i can't learn from the textbooks i read every day or sitting in the classes i go to each week. 'coach said he was proud of us kk! and daddy said i blocked good' - he was happy because they had accomplished something: they were improving. they made the coach proud.

truthfully, it wasn't about the score at all. it was about the experience, the lessons learned, the growth as a team. you can learn a lot from losing. and sometimes it is those lessons that truly matter - not whether you win or lose.

thanks danny, you never cease to amaze me. <3 you to the moon and back.