'if i could write a letter to me' ~letter to me (brad paisley)

last year i had the pleasure of ringing in the new year with a few of my closest friends. the family that hosted us was positively wonderful and they have the coolest traditions! ten years prior the family had all of the kids write to themselves and on new year's eve they all read the letters that their 9, 10, and 11 year-old-selves wrote to the young women and men they had become. while they were comical at times (from wishes for toys to houses to always living with your sister, everything was mentioned) they made us all think: 'what would we have said to ourselves if we had written these letters to us?' my girlfriends and i thought about doing the same activity, but then we got scared; what if we wrote to our 30-year-old selves and were then disappointed with our lives? what if 10 years from now we read these and we're so upset that our lives aren't what we wanted that it completely changes our outlook and we spiral into a heart-wrenching depression? albeit slightly dramatic - it was a legitimate concern - so we didn't write the letters. despite the impending melancholy and possible mid-life crisis that is sure to ensue, i've decided that this year i'm going to write a letter to me. but instead of reading it 10 years from now (when i [hopefully - fingers crossed] have a family and my depression would effect more than just me) i'll read it again in a year.
random note: i designed it as a semi pick-me-up just in case my life sucks in a year. be prepared, it's sappy:

hey gurl hey,
by the time you read this, you'll have graduated college (hopefully) and have started a new life. you will NOT be in grad school, or the north, or living with your parents, or homeless... i don't think. actually, i don't know where you'll be, but i hope you are surrounded by good friends, live somewhere that you aren't afraid to go outside at night, have a job that you like well enough, and are figuring out what you want to do with yourself. you will most certainly have some semblance of a library (even if it's just a bookshelf), i would like to think that you have a boyfriend (i mean - it isn't a necessity, but it would be nice), some sort of transportation (remember: scooters come in some quite fabulous colors), and a baller camera that you love using. the last one is the most important. so if that hasn't happened get on that asap.

i hope you haven't forgotten about the things that make you happy in your struggle to survive. i hope you've found a church family wherever you ended up - i'm probably most nervous for this one. always remember that there's a country song for everything no matter what you're feeling, that the Lord will always be with you no matter how alone you think you are, that your mama taught you how to be strong no matter how weak you feel, and that you can do anything you set your mind to no matter how far-fetched your dreams may seem. remember that grandmama's voice is only a phone-call away and that if it really gets that bad you can always go home - they'll be there.

don't be so hard-headed or hard on yourself. and don't be afraid to ask for help. when you get really nervous - as you're apt to do - don't forget that you probably have your lucky penny in your shoe. whey you get scared - remind your irrational self that there aren't actually monsters in your closet or under your bed, so it's probably not as bad as you think. when you want to give up - remember to believe in yourself. when you start to worry - don't. when you think that maybe your laugh is kind-of annoying or you rehash situations over and over and think about what you should've done differently - stop. i know you'll probably still be doing this, but really - you need to stop. it just makes things worse. it always has and it always will. but maybe most importantly: when you refuse to settle for less than what you want - keep on keepin on. you go girl.

i hope you are happy. if you aren't - get that way. it's a mindset. i hope you read lots - and that your vocabulary has improved vastly. i hope you still have a subscription to Southern Living - because it's all about the little things. i really really really want you to be cool in real life. i want you to be able to walk in heels confidently. actually you WILL be cool, and you WILL be able to walk in heels. there. now it has to happen. if you still don't have a 'little black dress' that makes you feel invincible, go buy one. don't forget that you absolutely abhor running, but it's the one thing that can actually take your mind off things.

don't forget about that box with all of the pictures that you love the most. it's in the bottom of the rubbermaid container labeled 'chapter three.' oh and somewhere there's a box with all of the things that meant the most to you in college - everything in there was given to you by someone who made a difference in your life. there is also a folder with your favorite quotes and passages from books that you love and things that you had hanging in your room that meant something special to you - find it if you feel like you've lost yourself. go through it and hopefully you'll start coming back.

i hope you have enough money for rent, enough food for your belly, enough happiness for laughter, enough love for someone else, enough time for yourself, enough tenacity to never give up, and enough gas to get to the beach. but if not, i hope you have enough gumption to figure out how to get them.

regardless of where you live or what your job is though, i'm proud of you and i love you. now go do something with yourself. and stop biting your fingernails. it's really gross. oh and i hope you're still keeping that diary - the one with spots on it and the piece of fabric that wraps around it. if you aren't you should start again, it helped you figure things out when you needed it most.

always,
you

ps - call mama and tell her that you love her and are thankful for her. make sure to check on kristen too - tell her how gorgeous she is and that you miss her. you never have been good at saying those things to them.

*i encourage all 11 of you blog followers to write a letter to you as well - remind yourself of the things you love about yourself and the things you're working on. happy new year :]

'i wanna walk away too, but i want you to say you - are sorry' ~say you're sorry (sara bareilles)

these past few days have been positively glorious: no papers to write or tests to study for, customers to take care of or bars to clean, meetings to go to or committees to serve on. my days have been consumed by mindless pleasures that include, but are not limited to: baking, reading, laughing, eating, dancing around awkwardly [which - if you know me - you understand how well i can awkwardly dance], catching up with friends, photographing, fraternizing, and relaxing. aside from this year's holiday season being remembered as 'the year mama let me make the cheesecake' [no one but mama has EVER been allowed to make it, but somehow this year i was allowed to partake in the hallowed tradition of the making of the christmas cheesecake. and let me just say: it wasn't as good as mama's, but it was pretty darn good] it's been one of reflection and contemplation. i mean, there's currently over a foot of snow on the ground - and it's still comin down strong. sledding and making snow cream DO get old after awhile believe it or not, so naturally there's plenty of time to think. this post is packed full of epiphanies - so snuggle up, grab some sweet tea and sit for awhile :]

as i was watching my little sister tear up the side of a mountain skiing, i got to thinking about parents. we were waiting for our dad to get there and it dawned on me that i doubt my parents a lot more than i used to. it really stinks when your parents don't turn out to be the superheroes that you once thought they were. you'd think that at the age of 21 i would've come to terms with the fact that parents aren't infallible or invincible. nonetheless, a little part of me dies every time this universal truth is rediscovered: like when you realize that daddy can't actually rewind tv - it was a tape. or that mama hasn't developed some immunity to cutting onions - her eyes don't water because she's wearing contacts. i should've learned that daddy will ALWAYS be late and sometimes won't show up at all and that he will undoubtedly forget to call for weeks at a time. and while i still don't think i'll ever be able to peel potatoes as fast as mama, i now understand that it isn't because she is endowed with special 'potato peeling abilities' - it's because she's a mama. parents are human - we shouldn't expect them to never make a mistake or do things that frustrate us. to expect that would be to expect the impossible - and we'd be setting awful lofty expectations for ourselves whenever we grow up and have kids of our own.

guys also fall nicely into the category of 'harsh reality checks' when it comes to expectations. disclaimer: i am NOT an expert on guys or relationships - if i get something completely wrong or you have a different opinion feel free to share. boys have kinda been on my mind a lot lately - this time of year does that to you. it's perfect weather for curling up with someone special and watching a movie or cooking spaghetti and drinking a glass of cheap wine. this is what i've concluded about the less-fair sex whilst holed up in my thermals, fuzzy socks and pigtails:

1. you can't MAKE a boy like you - they're either attracted to you or they aren't. just because all of your friends see you for the adorable, smart, funny, witty, beautiful-inside-and-out individual you are doesn't mean that every boy on the planet will too. regardless of how much you hang out, how much you make him laugh and how much good food you feed him - if you've been put into the 'friend' category it's unlikely that you'll ever get out of it. accept it. get over it. embrace it. their loss. and hey - every girl could benefit from a few close friends who are boys. and vice verso: regardless of how 'perfect' all of your friends tell you boy 'x' is for you - if you aren't attracted to him, you aren't attracted to him.

2. somewhat along the same thread: just because you feel something more doesn't mean that the guy wants anything more. don't assume that interest means interest in anything beyond the body. so when you find yourself involved with a guy who isn't looking for anything too serious, but you think you want something more, it's better to just walk away rather than making a complete fool out of yourself. so when you realize that this is the case - seriously, just move on. don't expect closure or for him to apologize, because in all likelihood it's not gonna happen. by walking away and making a conscious effort to forget about him you'll save yourself a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, and friends who are ready to slap some sense into you for having to watch you turn yourself into an emotional train-wreck over some no-good-two-timing-dirty-rotten-lyin-cheatin-son-of-a-b*tch who doesn't even have the decency of swamp gas. maybe it's easier said than done, but it CAN be done. i promise.

3. followup: if a girl gives a guy the impression that all she wants is a casual, meaningless hookup, that's all he'll ever want. why would he commit more than necessary? if you know that you can't hookup without getting attached - don't hookup. it's really not that complicated - and while this may lead to countless nights snuggling with a stuffed animal instead of a cutie, it's better than the alternative: spending entirely too much time and energy on people who don't deserve it.

obviously there are some exceptions... but as we've all learned from experience: never expect to be the exception. it's a harsh reality, but a reality nonetheless.

i know that this post was somewhat random [and slightly cynical at times], but everything falls under the over-arching category of 'truths that kinda suck.' and like most reality checks: they might come as a rude awakening, but are completely necessary. and just in case guys actually read this and you've managed to get this far in the post without throwing your computer: you're not all worthless, scum-bag, emotionless idiots - it's just that the vast majority of your gender are, and it's sometimes very difficult to find those of you who aren't. don't hate me - it's just an observation.

enough of this - i can hear my family yelling and jumping around in the living room... so i'm gonna go join in. pictionary and just dance 2 here i come!!

ps - i got the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS EVER: pyrex glassware, a pie dish, power tools, a crock pot, and mason jar stemware. yes - you read correctly - mason jar stemware. ilovemylife.

'girl you're beautiful, you're probably perfect, but i bet somebody's already told you that' ~lookin for a good time (lady antebellum)

ok here's the deal: i need to learn how to flirt.

the story: i'm at a party this weekend. i've actually brushed my hair and put on clothes other than sweatpants for the first time in 2 weeks and made an effort to apply mascara (oh hey final exams). i'm talking to my girlfriends and turn away for a hot second. a boy comes up to me and tells me he thinks i'm cute. i have no idea what to do. he walks away never to be seen or heard from again. a bajillion things run through my mind: did that really just happen? that NEVER happens! was it a joke? it must've been a dare or something. wait, was he serious? WHY DIDN'T I SAY ANYTHING!!?!?!??! what is wrong with me? fail caits. fail.

background information: for those of you who know me, i'm fairly quiet until i get to know you. talking makes me uncomfortable unless i am well acquainted with those i'm conversing with. when i get nervous or am put into a situation in which i am uncomfortable, i shut down. i don't like attention - i like observing. i write; i do not orate. when i do speak, i'm generally rather awkward. luckily once i get comfortable my quirky, smart-assed self sometimes decides to show, but until then i'm kinda socially-inept [and even after my like-ability is somewhat questionable]. this is true ESPECIALLY if i'm interested in whomever i'm interacting with. as a general rule: if i see you across the room and i think i might want to get to know you, i will avoid eye contact. if you come over because you know my friend and start talking, i will make a conscious effort to remain out of the conversation. seem counter-productive? it is.

essentially: the spoken word is not my forte. and neither is talking with boys. ironically, i work at hooters, which requires that i actually talk to folks. however, if you flirt there you'll be asked out - or even proposed to - quicker than ice cream melts on a summer day in downtown memphis, so i've actually mastered the art of NOT flirting. in fact, i've been told more than once that i exude the 'f*ck-off' vibe. i should probably work on that.

in conclusion: i need to learn how to be more approachable. more specifically, if i am approached and i am genuinely interested, i need to learn how to show that i'm interested. whoa. this is gettin scary.

the plan: i'm thinking that smiling is essential, as is eye contact. after watching my flop of a friday night, one of my girlfriends decided it was necessary to actually set up a list of steps for me to follow, which i've provided (verbatim) below:
1. engage in eye contact
2. find common interests
3. continue being the smart ass adorable girl you are
4. find something to laugh about - girls who laugh seem more chill less crazy
5. make physical contact: a brush on the arm, a light, flirty punch
[hebba gets credit for all of this]

the goal: implement some (all is a little ambitious for the first go-round) of these. wish me luck? and give me suggestions...

'call me crazy if you got it in you, but these people don't seem to mind' ~all over now (eric hutchinson)

we're in the home stretch now - finals have begun and the madness that seems to wreak havoc on the sanity of students has ensued. finding a place to study takes just as long as the studying itself, and it's harder to find seats in the library than at a major sporting event. tension and caffeine consumption are at abnormally high rates. seemingly minute annoyances ranging from there not being enough outlets to the vending machines in swem being devoid of anything but three year old gum suddenly seem to be threats to world peace. people are sleeping in the library, showering in miller, and brushing their teeth in academic buildings.

stop. this. madness.

i'm not saying don't study for your exams. by all means, please don't fail. but amidst the chaos and cramming remember that sometimes you just need to dance around your room in socks by yourself, or go for a drive, or drink a diet coke. take a break and write for fun, curl your hair and wear a dress, go grocery shopping, eat that piece of chocolate pie with your girlfriend, or buy that somewhat overpriced pair of little black booties that you've been thinking about ever since you saw them. sometimes sleeping for more than 2 1/2 hours is more important than studying for that greek and roman mythology exam that you're probably going to do less-than-well on anyway. sometimes you just NEED to curse. loudly. and sing aloud on the first floor of the library.

while you're worrying about your grades, don't forget about yourself. and really, is it going to matter if you don't get an A on that exam? yeah, your gpa will plummet and you probably won't get into grad school so you'll obviously be homeless for the remainder of your existence and most definitely won't go on to solve world hunger, but maybe you weren't supposed to get your PhD anyway...

<3

'there's so much to be thankful for' ~thankful (josh groban)

dear lord, thank you for:
your love. sweet tea. laughter. mama's cookin. daddy's lovin. danny's smile. kristen. grandmama's applesauce. pop-pop's bear hugs. best friends. stars. sunshine. camo coveralls. tractors. mountain apple cider. boys who open the door for you. carhartt coats. skim milk. cheesecake. ribbon. a house whose roof leaks and windows let in cold air, but is filled with enough love to render those minute inconveniences irrelevant. cotton fields. dishwashers. sunday mornings. family. pictures. Italy. disney movies. MUSIC. guns. fords. ice-cream. dancing. the college of william & mary. toothbrushes. bathroom stall doors that open out instead of in. the piano. iPods. fudge. shoes. ben & jerry's. professors who care. the beach. mashups. fuzzy socks. the blue flavored chapstick. being able to come home to a place where it is completely acceptable to have more camo than jean in your wardrobe and a gun safe or two in your closet. dangley earrings. chocolate. poetry. stick shifts. google. the macy's thanksgiving day parade. little old ladies at church. gardens. canning. aprons. SOUTHERN LIVING MAGAZINE. color. puppies. cookies. kisses on the forehead. tutus. pie. cowboy boots and hats and wrangler jeans (and the boys who make them look so good). happiness. love. milkshakes. hope. great literature. tears. babies. quilts. vacations. office supplies. bubble baths. miracles. christmas music. glasses. walters, va <3
and so much more...

happy thanksgiving :]

"girl you're amazing just the way you are" ~just the way you are (bruno mars)

occasionally i have these brief instances of clarity and contentment. they usually come and go without anyone really noticing. they don't seem that important. whether it be riding with the windows down through the surry countryside after taking the ferry home or sitting outside in the sunshine reading/writing/listening to music, i can honestly say they don't happen very often; these moments in which i am completely and utterly at peace with myself, the world around me, and where i fit into it. moments in which i am not worried about academics, work, friends, family, but instead blissfully fulfilled. in these fleeting seconds of pure happiness i am more than satisfied with myself and where i am spiritually, intellectually, academically, socially, physically. these moments have always been short-lived. i go to sleep smiling and wake up too late to make it to church and remember that i have a portfolio due, 500 pages of reading, a group-project and two exams that week that i haven't started studying for because i've been working all weekend [welcome to life at the w&m].

but this last one was different. somehow the fleeting instance has turned into a timeless realization:

i'm not doin half bad.

no - everything is not perfect or enchantingly simple and flawless. but when will it ever be? i'm learning from my mistakes. i'm making new ones. i'm living. no - i'm not getting all a's or going out on dates with amazing guys or being bold or checking things off of my list-of-things-to-do-before-i-die or figuring out what i want to be when i grow up. no - i'm not getting everything right. but what kind of life would it be if i were? that's not what it's about. it's about embracing the world and yourself and all their perfect imperfections with a smiling face, open arms and a willing heart.

i can't be afraid to get things wrong. i can't be afraid to make mistakes. because in the end, the mistakes and how you deal with/overcome them are what makes you 'you.'

i can't really take full credit for this realization - i get by with a little help from my friends :] thanks christopher and deb lovelovelove

"i resolve - to regain my voice" ~back to where i was (eric hutchinson)

there's something about being barefoot that puts everything into perspective.

somehow over the past few months i've become so incredibly lost. i can't pinpoint exactly where it was that i started wandering off of the path, but now i appear to be in the middle of a very dense, very scary, very unfamiliar forest - with no clearing in sight. i've strayed too far from myself. recently, i've done things so totally uncharacteristic of the person i want to be... of the person i once was. don't get me wrong, that person was far from perfect; she was insecure, too apologetic, and she invested too much time and effort in too many of the wrong people. she most definitely didn't have everything together - that'll never happen - but at least she stood for something.

i'm disappointed in myself. i'm disappointed in the person i've become.

i need to get back to the sweet, blue-eyed young woman i once was - whose definition of a crazy night was watching a meteor shower at 4am across the james river with her girlfriends or eating an entire pint of ben&jerrys without any help. i want to get back to the wholesome, southern sweetheart who drinks chocolate milk for breakfast, isn't afraid to talk funny, puts her foot down when she needs to, and tells her little sister absolutely everything. i need to embrace the intelligent, smart-assed, quirky, quiet, loving, shy girl who refuses to allow herself to be compromised. she may lack self-confidence, but that's better than lacking self-respect.

i need to find her again. quickly.

"Gone for so long now / I gotta get back to her somehow / To American honey..."
~american honey (lady antebellum)

'get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible' ~impossible (rascal flatts)

four years ago, as a senior in high school, i wrote my college entrance essay (which [by the way] i'm convinced is the ONLY reason that i got into william and mary... because it sure as heck wasn't my SAT scores). it was written about a 6-year-old boy with red hair, freckles, and a smile that could melt your heart - my little brother. it emphasized that the most important lesson i had ever learned was from a boy who only ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches folded (never cut down the middle) and was obsessed with thomas the train. in the smallest instance, a seemingly inconsequential happening, from the most unassuming person imaginable, he taught me that inspiration can come from absolutely anyone, anywhere.

yesterday, he managed to do it again.

danny plays for a pop-warner football team - offensive tackle (he's a little bigger than when i wrote about him last). they've really struggled this year; they almost didn't have enough players to make a team, a couple of the kids haven't been able to play because of weight restrictions, and they haven't won a game yet. they played yesterday, so i called him beforehand to wish him good luck and tell him to call me when they were done to let me know how they did. when i saw my mama's number flash up on my phone two hours later i knew it was him. he sounded SO excited when i picked up - he was still out of breath from running off of the field and i could tell that he was grinning from ear to ear. i just knew that they had gotten their first win of the season.

his response when i asked how the game went: 'kk, we only lost by 1 point!'

i was disappointed. and confused. these kids had been working so hard, been through so much. i wanted so badly for them to be rewarded for everything they had been through, but they had lost... and my little brother was happy about it. what was going on?

then i realized he was doing it again: teaching me the things i can't learn from the textbooks i read every day or sitting in the classes i go to each week. 'coach said he was proud of us kk! and daddy said i blocked good' - he was happy because they had accomplished something: they were improving. they made the coach proud.

truthfully, it wasn't about the score at all. it was about the experience, the lessons learned, the growth as a team. you can learn a lot from losing. and sometimes it is those lessons that truly matter - not whether you win or lose.

thanks danny, you never cease to amaze me. <3 you to the moon and back.

'i would like to think the best of me is something i have yet to see' ~dave melillo (this is 2005)

it’s here – the end of summer. the moment i’ve been dreading for so long is now upon me. oddly enough, i’m totally ok with it. i’m ready for senior year, change, new experiences… i’m ready for anything. this is really surprising to me since i don’t have my class schedule finalized, haven’t gotten any of my textbooks, and my room is a disaster. i’m juggling two jobs and soon classes on two separate campuses. to top it all off, i have no idea what i’m going to be doing once i graduate. as in: i don't have a job [or even the slightest inkling as to what it'll be] or even know where i'm going. honestly, i should be freaking out… but i’m not. i’m so incredibly ready for whatever comes my way. i'm ready for 'real life' to begin.

don't interpret this as me wishing away my senior year... i want to relish in every second of my time left at the w&m. it's more like i've accepted that it has to come to an end. i can't always live in the same dorm as my closest friends. it won't always be acceptable to drink until 6am or wear pj's in public. i'm going to miss this campus, the people, the opportunities, the making of memories.

the same is true for home. i will always love home and [almost] everything that comes with it, but it isn't where i will always be. it's time for me to define myself in terms other that where i've come from. home will always be the perfect place of pot-lucks after sunday service, just like school will be perfect in its own ways. but all at once i've found myself musing over the thought that the memories themselves are sometimes better than the places. memories have a funny habit of warping reality. they leave out the the hardships, the struggles, the hurt feelings. they make you forget how badly you wanted to get out of that stupid little one-horse town that couldn't mind its own business, or those late nights when you couldn't wait until the day when you work at a 9-5 and don't have to write papers or take exams.

i'll still go back for the people i love - and the nostalgia. it's still home, it always will be, but now it's where i'm from - not where i'll always be.

i already miss it, but it's time. senior year... here i come.

'lost in this moment now, ain't worried 'bout tomorrow when you're busy livin' in a perfect day' ~perfect day (lady antebellum)

it finally feels like summer. i just returned from a long weekend with the family in myrtle beach, sc and i couldn't feel more revitalized, tanned, or blessed. [well... i guess i could be tanner, but the fact that i have any color at all is a miracle in itself]

my weekend was filled with a whole lotta nothing - just the way i like it when there are beaches involved. no deadlines. no clocking in. no assignments. no worries. this conveniently freed up my mind to wander - and let me tell you, minds go crazy places when they don't have specific assignments to contemplate. of course, my mind chose the most daunting forest to meander into - my future. the prospects are hopeful though: i'm going to do what i love. when i pitched the 'i'm not going to be a teacher' spiel to the parents they were less than thrilled, but i think they'll come around eventually. actually i think it was the 'i'm going to take pictures for a living' that really threw them for a loop, but i may not have delivered it as smoothly as i could've either.

i decided at the beginning of the summer that it was going to be a care-free one. as usual, that didn't translate into quite what i had planned - but then again, when does it ever? granted, the beach was fabulous, but i was thinking that i was going to have these crazy adventures and do daring things that i never would've before - in some cases it's true [italia!!], but it hasn't exactly carried over into my summer-at-home experience as much as i thought it would. i guess i was expecting to be bold and confident and not care what people think. i thought that maybe i'd meet new people and have grand adventures with old friends. i was hoping to meet some amazing boy and have this fantastic summer fling that you read about in those teen novels where kisses on the forehead and falling in love come easily. i wanted cookouts and sundresses and flipflop tans and summer nights spent stargazing. i wanted fishing trips and sun tea and enough laughter to render ab workouts unnecessary. i wanted blissful, carefree, so-sweet-you-have-to-close-your-eyes-and-smile afternoons spent with lemonade and the latest issue of Southern Living on the back porch.

but that's not how it's happening. i'm not the flirty, smooth, confident young woman i had envisioned. i haven't given a complete stranger my number (i really really tried - i just couldn't do it though. i blush entirely too much and i can't speak straight when i get nervous... it's actually rather awful). i manage to work 7 days a week and haven't truly gone out with friends once since getting home from florence. i only drink lemonade at work. i haven't gone fishing - and it doesn't look like i'm going to have time to.

i'm failing at summer. well, not really - i figured out what i think i'm doing with my life. i guess that counts for something - right? anyway, there's still 3 weeks of summer left. i still have time... i hope.

"daisy dukes, bikinis on top" ~california girls (katy perry)

i just got back from my month long gita in florence, italy - and the only words i have for it can't possibly describe how mind-blowingly amazing it was.

stunning: it. was. GORGEOUS. everywhere we went, beauty was present. whether it was in the sparkling clearblue water of the mediterranean sea at cinque terra or the ruins of the coliseum in rome - i couldn't even begin to fully capture the breathtaking views either in memory or on camera. michelangelo's david literally took my breath away and the many churches with their mosaics, painted ceilings and ornate decorations were some of the most beautiful things i had ever seen. and the way the sun fell over the city around 6/7pm every evening made me stop and stare.

educational: i learned SO much. i sort-of learned italian... i can say hello and order food, but the best part was that my italian professor's name was luigi. win. the leadership class i took was awesome, i loved my professor and learned a lot about myself, my perception of others, and how both effect my leadership potential. i also learned a lot outside of class... like to ask how much something is before you commit to paying for it, just making eye contact encourages european men (hell, not making eye contact encourages them), you control your experience and how much fun you have and what you take away from any given situation, and so much more.

surreal: from the moment i boarded the plane in boston that took me 8.5 hours across the atlantic i kept thinking 'this is really happening' and then i kept thinking that until i got back home when it became 'that really happened.' i couldn't believe it. this little girl from walters was over 4,000 miles away from home in a country that she didn't speak the language or know how to navigate the city. i could hardly believe that it was happening - even though i was living it. walking through the sidestreets of florence, photographing everything, smiling to myself, closing my eyes, reveling in the experience.

life-changing: i learned so much on this trip - about art, about traveling, about italy, about european culture, about music, about italian, about friends, about myself, about life. i did things i never thought i would be able to do and learned things i never imagined learning. i've changed so much as a result of this trip. i like it :]
i went cliff jumping into the mediterranean sea. i danced with random boys. i ate ice cream and pasta every day for a month. i drank at a bar in a foreign country and flirted with the bartender (with a little coaching from my roommate). i sat under the stars on the steps of the uffizi at 4:00am. i saw the pantheon, and the sistine chapel, and climbed the duomo, and saw/did countless other things that millions of people will never have to opportunity to experience. i took over 3,500 pictures. I WORE A TWO PIECE BATHING SUIT - in front of people. i ate chicken liver. i learned how to 'properly' drink wine. i literally wore out a pair of shoes. i made new friends. i made mistakes. i made memories.

i couldn't have dreamed up a better way to kick off this summer.
summer 2010 - let's go!

"where the stars shine upside down" ~we danced anyway (deana carter)

i can hardly believe that this is actually happening. i'm really going to italy. this week has been crazy and today was absolutely insane getting ready, but i've learned a lot:

my parents helped me get this really nice camera for my trip (sort of an early graduation present / congratulations on paying for all of this by yourself) and when i started packing last night it was nowhere to be found. i had just moved out of my dorm yesterday and had moved stuff into the house i'm living in over the summer and into storage in the attic at school - so i figured that i had just put it in a box or something.

so i drive all the way back to williamsburg, already freaking out because i was dumb enough to forget it in the first place. i check the house to see if anyone is home (i don't have a key yet) and they aren't. i then call and get my area director to let me into storage in the attic of the dorm to see if maybe it's up there. i go through ALL of my stuff. still nowhere to be found. getting a little more panicky i drive back to the house. i can't get hold of the girls, so i call the realtor to get the landlord's phone number. they don't have it. instead, a man comes to try and get the key from the keypad-lock-thingy that's on the stairs (it's this little box that you punch a code in and then the key comes out). it doesn't work. finally, he gets it open and lets me into the house so that i can look through all of my stuff there. THE CAMERA ISN'T THERE.

now i'm in tears - bawling actually. i call my dad freaking out because i feel so stupid for having lost it after i tried so hard to keep everything organized and to be responsible. i start worrying that maybe i threw it away by accident or that it fell out of my car when i was stopped in a parking lot somewhere or Lord knows what else could've happened to it. amidst all of this i go to the police station to see if maybe someone turned it in there - no luck.

then i get a phone call from my area director asking me ' just how much stuff were you planning on leaving in your closet?' i had left a whole box of things in my closet. including my favorite stuffed hippo, my tennis shoes, a longaberger trashcan that santa had given me, a few shirts, my ironing board and (thank goodness) my camera.

literally, this is the most upset i've been in a VERY long time. but when i called my dad he kept saying 'it's just a camera caitlin - it's ok. calm down it's just a camera. you're going tomorrow regardless of whether or not you have that so don't stress about this so much' and he was right. it was just a camera. i needed the chill-the-heck out. it was just a camera.

moral of the story: calm down. don't worry about the things that [ultimately] don't matter.

itinerary for tomorrow:
3:45am - wake up and get ready for a loooong day
4:30am - leave for the airport
5:30am - arrive at newport news airport
6:30am - plane takes off
8:00am - plane arrives in boston - meet denee
8:30pm - plane leaves boston for rome, italy
next day: FLORENCE, ITALY

check out my florence blog:
http://wherethestarsareupsidedown.blogspot.com/

"time passed with amazing grace, back where i come from" ~back where i come from (kenny chesney)

this song describes where i'm from perfectly. the breeze blows softer, the smiles are sweeter, the stars shine brighter, and the people are more genuine. and i miss it some kind-of awful. consequently, i've found myself closing my eyes and putting myself on the front porch swing with grandmama playing with my hair and the breeze tickling my feet much more often than usual. and since i can't go home to get my fix of the good life, i'm going to write about how amazing it is and the things i miss about it the most.

this post is going to be cliche. i'm going to cry as i write this. those of you who know me well will have heard all of this, but i don't care.

home is absolutely the most amazing place ever. i realize home means completely different things for different people, but this is why my home is perfect for me:

i'm allowed to be barefoot whenever i want. the most comfortable place to sit is on a tailgate and the only acceptable thing to drink before 5 is tea so sweet your teeth fall out as you drink it. country music isn't frowned upon and somehow the hymns on sunday morning mean so much more. God seems closer when the stars are so much brighter.

i can climb trees and go fishin and walk to grandmama's and get eggs from the chickens down the road and vegetables from the garden and pick fresh strawberries and make pie for the preacher and wave at the cars that pass by the house. mama can tuck me in when i go to bed. i can play catch with danny and rusty in the front yard.

i can smell happiness. i can feel my troubles falling away.

i can swing on the old rope swing hanging in the oak between grandmama's house and ours. i can go swimmin in the creek. i can holler at the folks who live across the road when they sit on their front porches in the evening as the sun sets slowly. at the grocery store everyone knows your name and asks how your mama's doing - and they genuinely want to know.

people understand everything i say - and they don't think i talk funny.

it's heaven on earth. it's the only place i can be completely myself. it's where i'm from. it's who i am. it's so much more than i could ever put into words. it's where i want to be.

"she has a thing for mixed cd's - i think she's growin' on me" ~holiday parade (getaway)

this week has been rough. sleep has somehow managed to evade me, reading has gone undone for far too long, and sickness is upon me. oh - and i decided that what i thought i wanted to do for the rest of my life isn't really what will make me happy.

i'm all about plans - and lists. they give my crazy life a sense of order and meaning. i've had this mindset since freshman year of high school that i was destined to be a high school english teacher. i wanted to make a difference in the lives of my students like my teachers in high school made a difference in mine. so i apply to college, then to the education program, and i start education classes and student teaching. then, a couple of days ago, i realize that i hate it. i hate my classes, i hate the high-school classroom experience, i hate the direction my life is going.

obviously i panic. i've had this plan for so long, and i was so thoroughly convinced that it was what i was meant to do. then, all of the sudden i realize that what i thought was so perfect for me is making me miserable. so i call my best friend - and she says the most amazing thing: 'you've been making your own plans for so long, and i know that uncertainty stresses you out, but you've gotta realize that even if you feel completely lost and have absolutely no idea where your life is going all of the sudden, God already has it figured out.' she always knows exactly what to say :)

don't get me wrong, i'm still freaking out about this. i mean - the things i love are completely outlandish when it comes to a career. i love southern living magazine, and azaleas, and baking, and books, and coffee shops, and bed-and-breakfasts, and taking pictures, and sweet tea, and driving stick, and smiling, and wearing sundresses, and being barefoot, and writing, and little kids, and country music. these don't exactly equate to a successful career. but at least i have the comfort of knowing that someone knows where my life is heading. even if it isn't me.

'breakin' it down articulately' -body language (jesse mccartney)

over the past few weeks i've been making a conscious effort to become bolder, but i think it may have partially backfired.

firstly, i got a job as a waitress at hooters (since i know that only my good friends read this - i have no problem posting this... let's not spread the word too broadly ladies haha). i've been taught how to wear eye-liner, memorized the over 70 types of alcohol we sell, perfected hula-hooping, and learned to be a more assertive, confident individual - all while smiling, wearing little orange shorts and getting folks to buy beer. i know that there are people out there who think it's an awful establishment that exploits women, but i truly believe it's helping me to become more like the person i want to be. you CANNOT lack confidence when you are wearing tube socks with pantyhose and trying to learn the bar stool trick in front of a section full of guests. this is the part of my plan that has seemed to work in my favor.

however, my second attempt did not go quite so well. i may or may not have told a boy that i liked him. i also may or may not have scared him. i don't think he understood that 'i like you' is NOT equal to 'i want to date you,' but instead 'i enjoy hanging out with you, and would like to see you occasionally.' if being bold results in people misunderstanding me and high-tailing it out of my life, my plan to live a life more courageous obviously needs a little revision.

lesson learned: when being bold - be clear. say what you actually mean, and say all of it.

next step in the becoming a bolder more confident me = learning how to dance. this will hopefully be implemented this weekend ;]

'you've finally made your move, now i'm here to make mine' -the love i wanna be in (jason aldean)

while i'm on this whole 'being bolder slash more confident' kick... i've decided that it almost needs a list of its own. i've devized a 5-step plan to becoming a more confident individual, here it is:

1. stop apologizing: i've realized that i say 'sorry' entirely too much. there isn't anything wrong with apologizing, but i say it too often for things that don't really warrant an apology. if it isn't my fault, i'm not going to apologize.

2. make eye contact: when i walk to class, instead of staring at the ground like i normally do, i'm going to look ahead and meet people's gazes. and smile. this terrifies me - but it's going to work wonders for my self-esteem (hopefully).

3. give my two cents worth: i hardly ever raise my hand in class, but this semester that's going to change. while this does entail me having to actually complete all of my reading in a more timely manner, it will also involve me having to think quickly and not being afraid of sounding silly in front of my classmates. additionally, i'm going to give my opinion more often when working in a group setting. this scares me, but it needs to happen.

4. learn how to wink: yeah - it can be creepy, but it has the potential to be super awesome too ;)

5. flirt shamelessly: i'm excited about implementing this one at work, but i need to figure out how to carry this over into real life as well.

and there it is folks. my foolproof plan to becoming more confident. adding this with my current job and my friends to back me up - this is going to happen.

ps - i worked on the whole 'walking in heels' thing the other day - and i've decided that it's definitely a mindset. think the strut, be the strut, walk the strut.

'it's gonna be my year' ~all time low

i've decided (with a little help from my friends) that this year is going to be an unforgettable one. i'm going to do things to better myself, appreciate those around me, and experience life in a way i've never experienced it before. and i couldn't be more excited :]

we all made 'lists' for the new year - sort of like resolutions, but it's more like things we want to accomplish or experience. mine is as follows:

- talk with God more often; thank him for his blessings
- be bolder / more confident
- learn to walk in heels - correction: learn to 'strut' in heels
- wear a two-piece bathing suit
- work on my bucket list (more specifically... go to Italy)
- sell one of my pictures
- read a favorite book of each of my close friends
- learn how to dance (to move my hips like 'yeah')

i really really really want to be a more confident person. confidence is attractive. in reality though, i think the underlying necessity is for me to stop letting myself care so much about what other people think - i don't want to worry about whether or not a classmate disagrees about something i say in class. or if it's ok for me to dance like nobody is watching. or if people think i'm attractive. or if a boy likes me. unfortunately, easier said than done.

upon discussing these things with a close friend, we also came up with two lists for this spring semester - one of goals and one of mini adventures that we wanted to take throughout our junior spring:

[goals]

• get a kickass body
• meet extraordinary boys/men
• focus on getting good grades
• go on adventures :)
• have the best birthdays yet! (2.1.)
• attend as many concerts as financially/physically possible
• meet new people
• get over a fear
• give an attractive, complete stranger my number
• dance with someone whose name i don't know

[mini-adventures]

• watch the sunrise and sunset in the same day
• have a picnic
• go on a photo shoot
• ride a horse
• play in the rain
• sleep under the stars
• sing karaoki
• sing loudly in the car and keep going when people stare
• take the weekend off, leave campus, and don't talk to anyone (except maybe mama)

i'm excited to see what this semester and year has in store - i have this feeling that it's going to be extraordinary - life changing - magical even. 2010 is going to be phenomenal... i can feel it