one row back from the front, all the way to the right side of the classroom, there is a little girl (she sits there so that she can daydream). she has a heinously short hairdo - reminiscent of a bowl cut (which came as an attempt to 're-invent' herself when she left elementary school - she thought it was a 'big kid' haircut - wrong). her coke-bottle glasses magnify her eyes to twice their normal size and her high-water-hand-me-down jeans show off her white ankle socks jutting out from her tennis shoes (fashion is not her forte). she knows the answer to the question, but never raises her hand. she is always picked last in gym class and boys openly make fun of her in the hallways. girls think she is weird because she always has her nose stuck in a book.
everyone has an awkward phase, and even though hers was more like an entire novel instead of just a chapter, things were looking up by the time she hit high school. in fact, by senior year she had everything needed to piss everyone else off about how wonderful her life was: captain of the state-title holding cheerleading squad, homecoming queen, valedictorian, first-seed doubles and captain of the tennis team, steady beau, voted "best all-around" for a senior superlative, acceptance into the college of her dreams... but even though she traded her pink and purple flower-rimmed glasses in for contacts, she still felt like that little girl in the middle school classroom.
and sometimes, when i look in the mirror, i still see that small, insecure, glaringly unattractive, self-loathing middle schooler who hates how mean people can be and thinks she will never amount to anything.
the ghosts of who we were will always be with us. and the decisions and choices we make, along with their repercussions, will be right there too. staring us down, taunting us, making us question our very existence, and doing a darn good job of making us feel worthless.
but just because the past will always be with us does not mean we dwell there. in the past. in the negative. people make bad decisions - you can't be anyone if you haven't done anything. should i have compromised my self worth in an attempt to be like everyone else? probably not, but i learned from it. have i made awful decisions that i regretted almost instantaneously? of course, but i am better because of it.
pick yourself up, take a deep breath, and take one step forward. people are there to encourage you. to support you. see yourself for who you are becoming, not who you've been. do not define yourself in terms of your failures, but your aspirations. and do not let those failures hinder your ambitions. you are bigger than the sum of your flaws, indiscretions, and mistakes. you, and only you, have control of your dreams and actions. be the change you want to see in yourself. live it. you are not that awkward, unfortunate middle schooler trapped in a world of hopelessness and unhappiness. you are so much more than what you've done wrong.
i refuse to let who i've been determine who i'll be.
--
so many emotions. so little time.
9 days until graduation.
