whenever i'm on my way home i briefly feel like i have to confront my past 'self'. the girl all of my friends at home think i am, the person my parents remember, the choir-girl the little old ladies at church expect to see sunday morning walking through the door with a hug to greet them and a cheek for them to kiss. that girl is much different than the one who comes home now. yes, she still runs in dresses even though grandmama tells her it isn't ladylike, makes the tea too sweet, and goes shootin with daddy after church in her sunday shoes, but she's spunkier, more confident, less cautious, and downright ornery compared to the girl who sat across from danny at the supper table 4 years ago. she says things she shouldn't, wears pants to church sometimes (gasp!), asks questions, and doesn't follow blindly like she use to. and i'm terrified that she doesn't measure up to the girl everyone expects to get out of that lime green vw beetle.
so, as usual, my stomach did a little dance as i crested the hill before grandmama's house. the anxiety - that slight flicker of fear and uncertainty that comes from my irrational fear that they aren't going to love me anymore - came back for a split second.
then i saw that red toyota - my pop-pop's truck. and that awful feeling vanished.
you have to understand, this man means everything to me. he is hands down the most resilient, caring, loving individual i have ever been blessed enough to know. most girls say they want to marry a man like their daddy... well, i want to marry one like my pop-pop. when i was cleaning his cabinets out over break i found a huge stack of little plastic cups. he is only one man. there is NO need for him to have over 50 5oz parfait cups from mcdonald's. so when i told him i was going to throw them out he quietly informed me that i couldn't - he used them to for jell-o. when i told him that he could keep a few and i'd get rid of the rest, he said no, that he made jell-o for the workers at mcdonald's in them. yes - that's right - he makes the cashiers and burger-flippers and the drive-thru tellers jell-o. what's more: when i asked him why he was picking up change from the drive through at hardee's - he informed me that he collected it throughout the year and put it in a tin at home, then donated it to the children's fund at church that goes to buy toys for orphans every christmas. yeah.
this is the same man who, when i called him crying about a stupid boy, reminded me that 'one day you're gonna be someone's unforgettable, but until then don't you pay those other boys no mind' - like i said, absolutely amazing.
over the past 4 years i've developed these incredibly deceiving defense mechanisms - many of them include some of the nuances from my last blogpost. they've done a swell job of camouflaging some of my more desirable traits. don't get me wrong, i'm not completely disassociating myself from the girl who now refuses to settle and is no longer a doormat, but with the help of the man i love so much, i've assured myself that who i'm becoming and the sweetheart my family knows can be one-in-the-same. pop-pop reminds me that even with my many faults there are more than enough reasons to love me. so after an entire post spent on airing out my dirty laundry, i've decided that one reassuring myself that i do posses a few redeemable qualities is quite necessary:
i love making people laugh - even though most of the time i'm being laughed at instead of with. i'm caring, insightful at times, loving, and i want nothing more than to make those i love happy. i'm candid, lovable, encouraging, and supportive. i listen well - usually. i can be so, incredibly selfish sometimes, i'll be the first to admit it, but i will drive you 1.5 hours home if you really need me to (even if i have other things i could/should be doing with my time), remember that you have a test next tuesday and wish you luck before and ask you how it went after, and wake up at 6am to bake you a cake for your birthday because i didn't have time to do it the day before.
all of these qualities, and even the ones from my previous post, make me the person that my pop-pop loves. it's who i am. even the little things, like my obsession with mason jars, love for catching lightning bugs, and my unfortunate ability to say extremely inappropriate things at the most inopportune times are occasionally endearing. things that may come as a shock to some, but are normal to my family, are what makes me 'me.' yes - i do clean out the dog pen in my boots and pearls and wrestle with my little brother on the kitchen floor. i still call mama almost every time i cook to make sure that i'm doing everything right. as a matter of fact i DO have a binder that i've cut and pasted pictures from pottery barn, southern living, and better homes and gardens magazines for ideas that i will one day use in my dream-house/garden/beach-getaway/perfect life. i am creative. i am fun. i am cute. i am a complete disaster most of the time. i am spastic. i am ridiculous. i am an absolute mess. i am unexpected - and it is perfect.
"beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
~(better than a hallelujah) amy grant
this morning i finally began to understand that sometimes the things that aren't expected are better than those which are.
~(better than a hallelujah) amy grant
love this. and you!
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