'and if you want to leave i can guarantee you won't find nobody else like me' ~follow me (uncle kracker)

i wake up monday to a knock on my door from the little girl that lives down the hall:
'miss caitlin, can you braid my hair today?'
'of course! what's the occasion?'
'it's valentine's day!'

oh. fudge.

moments later i get a text from my sister: happy singles awareness day!
thanks kristen.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against valentine's day - i made valentines for my friends with cookies and nerdy pickup lines :) - but this hallmark holiday has an uncanny knack for making those of us without valentines feel a little more isolated than usual. this is temporarily resolved by going to see Gnomeo and Juliet and sneaking chips and salsa into the theater, but when the laughter subsides, the stylish 3D glasses come off, and your girlfriends are gone - you're left with your thoughts, generally consisting of (but in no way limited to) 'wait - why don't i have a valentine?'

a few days ago one of my professors dropped some serious knowledge on my significant texts in western religion class: don't get married when you're lonely. dang. i suppose it's true though - it isn't until you understand what it means to be independent and happy with yourself that you can truly appreciate someone else and expect them to appreciate you just as much. if you can't deal with your flaws when you're all alone to face and deal with them yourself - how could anyone else? so this is me, accepting/acknowledging/broadcasting my flaws in an effort to not be lonely... what? whatever:

i realize that i am FAR from perfect. my unhealthy obsession with country music, inability to verbalize and have important conversations, moodiness, general lack of empathy in some situations, prudishness, sarcasm, bitchyness, addiction to trashy music and tv, and distinct deficiency in the way of style are a VERY few of my less-than-desirable qualities. my occasional spaceyness, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and unorganized tendencies, as well as my uncanny ability to make any situation incredibly awkward also rank rather high on the 'things-that-could-drive-anyone-mad' list. i'm not the best driver. i bottle up my emotions until they all rush out at once (usually resulting in my snapping at an inappropriate moment that doesn't warrant a rant/cry, but somehow that's the only way i can deal with it).

phew. this is rough.

i despise making decisions. i bite my fingernails. i am terrible at keeping track of expenses and i worry far too much. it takes A LOT for me to trust someone. i'm annoying in more ways than one. i burp like a man and have mastered what my daddy calls the 'you've done something wrong and will soon feel my wrath' look. i call bullshit far too often - sorry fellas. i micro-manage people, but i've decided that's why i'm going to be an awesome kindergarten teacher. when i get defensive i can be extremely condescending in an effort to not feel like an idiot, which backfires and just makes me look like an ass. i'm a terrible conversationalist and speller. i'm bad at letting people know how much they mean to me. i have a super unattractive resting face. i'm spastic. i would lose my head if it weren't attached to my body - no seriously. i'm mean. i can be SO hateful if provoked. i can't take compliments.

i could go on, but i don't think my ego can handle this much longer.

while i have come to terms with the fact that i need to work on some of these things - i also understand that step 1 to forming healthy relationships with others is to learn to love yourself, all of yourself - even the less-than-socially-acceptable/desirable tendencies/qualities/habits. and honestly, sometimes i'm convinced that i'm actually pretty fabulous - so it's gonna pay off for some guy when he decides he's willing to put up with my manic-spastic-emotional-self. and i have friends - so i must not be too awful.

mama used to tell me that i was perfect because God doesn't make mistakes. i am SO perfectly imperfect - aren't we all?

<3