'beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts' ~better than a hallelujah (amy grant)

when i published my previous post i didn't quite feel like it was finished - sitting in church this sunday morning listening to the special, i realized that it wasn't even 1/2 way done. amy grant's 'better than a hallelujah' is one of my absolute favorite songs, and it made me think:

whenever i'm on my way home i briefly feel like i have to confront my past 'self'. the girl all of my friends at home think i am, the person my parents remember, the choir-girl the little old ladies at church expect to see sunday morning walking through the door with a hug to greet them and a cheek for them to kiss. that girl is much different than the one who comes home now. yes, she still runs in dresses even though grandmama tells her it isn't ladylike, makes the tea too sweet, and goes shootin with daddy after church in her sunday shoes, but she's spunkier, more confident, less cautious, and downright ornery compared to the girl who sat across from danny at the supper table 4 years ago. she says things she shouldn't, wears pants to church sometimes (gasp!), asks questions, and doesn't follow blindly like she use to. and i'm terrified that she doesn't measure up to the girl everyone expects to get out of that lime green vw beetle.

so, as usual, my stomach did a little dance as i crested the hill before grandmama's house. the anxiety - that slight flicker of fear and uncertainty that comes from my irrational fear that they aren't going to love me anymore - came back for a split second.

then i saw that red toyota - my pop-pop's truck. and that awful feeling vanished.

you have to understand, this man means everything to me. he is hands down the most resilient, caring, loving individual i have ever been blessed enough to know. most girls say they want to marry a man like their daddy... well, i want to marry one like my pop-pop. when i was cleaning his cabinets out over break i found a huge stack of little plastic cups. he is only one man. there is NO need for him to have over 50 5oz parfait cups from mcdonald's. so when i told him i was going to throw them out he quietly informed me that i couldn't - he used them to for jell-o. when i told him that he could keep a few and i'd get rid of the rest, he said no, that he made jell-o for the workers at mcdonald's in them. yes - that's right - he makes the cashiers and burger-flippers and the drive-thru tellers jell-o. what's more: when i asked him why he was picking up change from the drive through at hardee's - he informed me that he collected it throughout the year and put it in a tin at home, then donated it to the children's fund at church that goes to buy toys for orphans every christmas. yeah.

this is the same man who, when i called him crying about a stupid boy, reminded me that 'one day you're gonna be someone's unforgettable, but until then don't you pay those other boys no mind' - like i said, absolutely amazing.

over the past 4 years i've developed these incredibly deceiving defense mechanisms - many of them include some of the nuances from my last blogpost. they've done a swell job of camouflaging some of my more desirable traits. don't get me wrong, i'm not completely disassociating myself from the girl who now refuses to settle and is no longer a doormat, but with the help of the man i love so much, i've assured myself that who i'm becoming and the sweetheart my family knows can be one-in-the-same. pop-pop reminds me that even with my many faults there are more than enough reasons to love me. so after an entire post spent on airing out my dirty laundry, i've decided that one reassuring myself that i do posses a few redeemable qualities is quite necessary:

i love making people laugh - even though most of the time i'm being laughed at instead of with. i'm caring, insightful at times, loving, and i want nothing more than to make those i love happy. i'm candid, lovable, encouraging, and supportive. i listen well - usually. i can be so, incredibly selfish sometimes, i'll be the first to admit it, but i will drive you 1.5 hours home if you really need me to (even if i have other things i could/should be doing with my time), remember that you have a test next tuesday and wish you luck before and ask you how it went after, and wake up at 6am to bake you a cake for your birthday because i didn't have time to do it the day before.

all of these qualities, and even the ones from my previous post, make me the person that my pop-pop loves. it's who i am. even the little things, like my obsession with mason jars, love for catching lightning bugs, and my unfortunate ability to say extremely inappropriate things at the most inopportune times are occasionally endearing. things that may come as a shock to some, but are normal to my family, are what makes me 'me.' yes - i do clean out the dog pen in my boots and pearls and wrestle with my little brother on the kitchen floor. i still call mama almost every time i cook to make sure that i'm doing everything right. as a matter of fact i DO have a binder that i've cut and pasted pictures from pottery barn, southern living, and better homes and gardens magazines for ideas that i will one day use in my dream-house/garden/beach-getaway/perfect life. i am creative. i am fun. i am cute. i am a complete disaster most of the time. i am spastic. i am ridiculous. i am an absolute mess. i am unexpected - and it is perfect.

"beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
~(better than a hallelujah) amy grant

this morning i finally began to understand that sometimes the things that aren't expected are better than those which are.

'and if you want to leave i can guarantee you won't find nobody else like me' ~follow me (uncle kracker)

i wake up monday to a knock on my door from the little girl that lives down the hall:
'miss caitlin, can you braid my hair today?'
'of course! what's the occasion?'
'it's valentine's day!'

oh. fudge.

moments later i get a text from my sister: happy singles awareness day!
thanks kristen.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against valentine's day - i made valentines for my friends with cookies and nerdy pickup lines :) - but this hallmark holiday has an uncanny knack for making those of us without valentines feel a little more isolated than usual. this is temporarily resolved by going to see Gnomeo and Juliet and sneaking chips and salsa into the theater, but when the laughter subsides, the stylish 3D glasses come off, and your girlfriends are gone - you're left with your thoughts, generally consisting of (but in no way limited to) 'wait - why don't i have a valentine?'

a few days ago one of my professors dropped some serious knowledge on my significant texts in western religion class: don't get married when you're lonely. dang. i suppose it's true though - it isn't until you understand what it means to be independent and happy with yourself that you can truly appreciate someone else and expect them to appreciate you just as much. if you can't deal with your flaws when you're all alone to face and deal with them yourself - how could anyone else? so this is me, accepting/acknowledging/broadcasting my flaws in an effort to not be lonely... what? whatever:

i realize that i am FAR from perfect. my unhealthy obsession with country music, inability to verbalize and have important conversations, moodiness, general lack of empathy in some situations, prudishness, sarcasm, bitchyness, addiction to trashy music and tv, and distinct deficiency in the way of style are a VERY few of my less-than-desirable qualities. my occasional spaceyness, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and unorganized tendencies, as well as my uncanny ability to make any situation incredibly awkward also rank rather high on the 'things-that-could-drive-anyone-mad' list. i'm not the best driver. i bottle up my emotions until they all rush out at once (usually resulting in my snapping at an inappropriate moment that doesn't warrant a rant/cry, but somehow that's the only way i can deal with it).

phew. this is rough.

i despise making decisions. i bite my fingernails. i am terrible at keeping track of expenses and i worry far too much. it takes A LOT for me to trust someone. i'm annoying in more ways than one. i burp like a man and have mastered what my daddy calls the 'you've done something wrong and will soon feel my wrath' look. i call bullshit far too often - sorry fellas. i micro-manage people, but i've decided that's why i'm going to be an awesome kindergarten teacher. when i get defensive i can be extremely condescending in an effort to not feel like an idiot, which backfires and just makes me look like an ass. i'm a terrible conversationalist and speller. i'm bad at letting people know how much they mean to me. i have a super unattractive resting face. i'm spastic. i would lose my head if it weren't attached to my body - no seriously. i'm mean. i can be SO hateful if provoked. i can't take compliments.

i could go on, but i don't think my ego can handle this much longer.

while i have come to terms with the fact that i need to work on some of these things - i also understand that step 1 to forming healthy relationships with others is to learn to love yourself, all of yourself - even the less-than-socially-acceptable/desirable tendencies/qualities/habits. and honestly, sometimes i'm convinced that i'm actually pretty fabulous - so it's gonna pay off for some guy when he decides he's willing to put up with my manic-spastic-emotional-self. and i have friends - so i must not be too awful.

mama used to tell me that i was perfect because God doesn't make mistakes. i am SO perfectly imperfect - aren't we all?

<3