when you're little, everything is about emotion. logic isn't in your vocabulary, nor is it in your capacity to act on it. when mean, big-sister susie takes away your favorite doll, crying is a natural reaction. acting on your feeling of loss, you break down into tears. actions are connected with emotions. so strong is the connection, they are inseparable.
granted, later, after experience, children sometimes realize that crying enough will get us what we want... but then it becomes something entirely different. then it becomes logic. then it becomes calculated. then it becomes reason. now, this newfound logic/reason/whatever isn't automatically applied to every aspect of your life. that will take much more than a snotty older sibling and a favorite plaything.
eventually, you fall in love. this first love is pure emotion. it doesn't matter how unreasonable it seems. or that everyone tells you he's lying to you and you deserve better. or that all signs point to him being one of the most ignorant jerks to have ever drawn breath on God's green earth. or that your mother hates him (let's face it, in the end, they always know best). nope, none of that matters, because this love doesn't involve your brain. it involves your heart. your stupid heart.
long story short: you get hurt. he breaks your heart. but seriously, it was only your first love. you get over it. it wasn't that big of a deal. right? well... then it happens again. this time with a friend that disappoints you, a confidante that betrays you, a crush that leads you on, a hookup that you invest too much in, a boy you fall too quickly for. and there goes your stupid heart, getting in the way again. clouding your judgement, making you care about things you shouldn't. because if you didn't care, you wouldn't get hurt...
you figure out that your heart, the source of all of this emotion, is the villain. that's logical. after all, when you start to use logic/reason, you get what you want. experience - a.k.a. susie & co. - has taught you that. and from your experiences, if you could simply 'not care' everything would be simpler, easier, less emotional.
so you distance yourself from your heart. you start thinking through things more. you don't invest as much in the people around you. you plan. you make decisions based on reason, pro/con lists, logic. 'it doesn't make sense to date him right now' so you don't. 'i need a good job that i'll make enough money at to support myself' so your dreams are pushed to the side in favor of doing what you're supposed to. you forget what raw emotion is. because everything else is/has become methodical. you suddenly find yourself unable to tap into that child-like honesty between your actions and your heart. that only leads to trouble. you've learned to always follow your brain. it's safer. and you don't get hurt that way. every action is planned. every emotion is guarded. it becomes second nature.
and then one night, writing in your journal before bed, you realize that you aren't even sure you know how to love anymore.
can we, somehow, find our way back to our heart? because i can't stand being logical any more.
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