'i hope you don't mind that i put down in words how wonderful life is now that you're in the world' ~your song (elton john)

when you're little, everything is about emotion. logic isn't in your vocabulary, nor is it in your capacity to act on it. when mean, big-sister susie takes away your favorite doll, crying is a natural reaction. acting on your feeling of loss, you break down into tears. actions are connected with emotions. so strong is the connection, they are inseparable.

granted, later, after experience, children sometimes realize that crying enough will get us what we want... but then it becomes something entirely different. then it becomes logic. then it becomes calculated. then it becomes reason. now, this newfound logic/reason/whatever isn't automatically applied to every aspect of your life. that will take much more than a snotty older sibling and a favorite plaything.

eventually, you fall in love. this first love is pure emotion. it doesn't matter how unreasonable it seems. or that everyone tells you he's lying to you and you deserve better. or that all signs point to him being one of the most ignorant jerks to have ever drawn breath on God's green earth. or that your mother hates him (let's face it, in the end, they always know best). nope, none of that matters, because this love doesn't involve your brain. it involves your heart. your stupid heart.

long story short: you get hurt. he breaks your heart. but seriously, it was only your first love. you get over it. it wasn't that big of a deal. right? well... then it happens again. this time with a friend that disappoints you, a confidante that betrays you, a crush that leads you on, a hookup that you invest too much in, a boy you fall too quickly for. and there goes your stupid heart, getting in the way again. clouding your judgement, making you care about things you shouldn't. because if you didn't care, you wouldn't get hurt...

you figure out that your heart, the source of all of this emotion, is the villain. that's logical. after all, when you start to use logic/reason, you get what you want. experience - a.k.a. susie & co. - has taught you that. and from your experiences, if you could simply 'not care' everything would be simpler, easier, less emotional.

so you distance yourself from your heart. you start thinking through things more. you don't invest as much in the people around you. you plan. you make decisions based on reason, pro/con lists, logic. 'it doesn't make sense to date him right now' so you don't. 'i need a good job that i'll make enough money at to support myself' so your dreams are pushed to the side in favor of doing what you're supposed to. you forget what raw emotion is. because everything else is/has become methodical. you suddenly find yourself unable to tap into that child-like honesty between your actions and your heart. that only leads to trouble. you've learned to always follow your brain. it's safer. and you don't get hurt that way. every action is planned. every emotion is guarded. it becomes second nature.

and then one night, writing in your journal before bed, you realize that you aren't even sure you know how to love anymore.

can we, somehow, find our way back to our heart? because i can't stand being logical any more.

'i want adventure in the great wide somewhere, i want it more than i can tell' ~belle, beauty and the beast

in a desperate attempt to prepare myself for the (hopefully - fingers crossed) impending interviews i'll endure in the coming months, i've been going over questions commonly asked of applicants. i struggle with these types of things. i don't know what the last traumatic event was in my life or how i dealt with it. i probably pretended like i didn't care and walked away (that's generally what i do when things get confusing, but something tells me that's not the answer they're lookin' for). the last time i had to solve a problem was in the grocery store trying to figure out whether or not the cheap brand of macaroni adhered to the dietary stipulations of my new nutrition plan. again, i highly doubt those are the types of problem solving skills my future employer values. surprisingly, one question that i've been faced with before and struggled with suddenly seemed easy to answer: if you could describe yourself in one word, what would it be? restless.

i've been applying to jobs. LOTS of jobs. as a teaching assistant, personal assistant, publishing assistant, editorial assistant, photo assistant, sales and marketing assistant, creative services assistant, assistant to the managing editor of InStyle, administrative assistant… and the list goes on and on. these might seem like a wide array of possible career paths, but they all have three things in common: (1) ASSISTANT, because i sure as heck am not ready to be in charge of anyone (2) i'm probably not actually qualified, nor do i have any relevant experience to make me an even remotely attractive candidate for the position (3) they are far away from middle-of-nowhere, VA.

i ADORE home, especially this time of year – when the corn is already waist high and you know in a few weeks it’ll be towering over you. it's when the air smells like honeysuckle and freshly tilled earth and the daily soundtrack includes the rumble of tractors, creak of the chains on the front porch swing and the sound of grandmama's voice from across the yard. it’s the time of year defined by baseball tournaments, bbq in aluminum foil, sweet tea, bare feet dangling off of tailgates, friday night bonfires, saturdays full of sunshine and weeding flowerbeds, and afternoons that smell like rain followed by evening thunderstorms to clear the air. it’s when the blueberries are getting sweet, but the locals' dispositions are still sweeter. it's finally that time when the rockin chairs start keepin time with the heavy summer breeze. you can taste warm weather on your tongue, and can’t wait to gulp it in. there is so much hope, and promise of what is soon to come.

when i'm here, i don’t particularly want to leave this place. i love it. it’s safe. it’s familiar. my family is here, along with almost everything i've ever known. it would be so easy to get a job close to home, live near (or with) my folks for awhile, go to church in the same place i have for over 20 years, and settle.

settle. that word just doesn't sit right with me.

staying here isn't challenging. and while my parents may argue that it's just plain smart to stay at home to save money, this is my one opportunity to move across the country without anyone or anything holding me back. as of right now i can do anything i want. the options are so vast it’s daunting. if i want to audition to be a disney princess, airfare and my inability to hail a cab are the only things standing between me and the debbie reynolds studio in california. if i want to teach elementary school in north carolina, i just need to get an interview and make someone believe that i'm capable of managing 20ish 6-year-olds. if i want to move to new york, get a job in the publishing industry and live in a glorified closet, i just need to convince my interviewer that sitting duty in the landrum duty office counts as office experience.

i've reached a point at which i can either settle for mediocrity and meander these country roads for eternity, or i can take a shot in the dark and learn to soar. i'm restless. i refuse to live a life of mere existence. and while my dreams and passions aren't all that clear or focused at the moment, they play the most integral role in this adventure.

one thing's for sure: i'm not the sauntering sort - i was born to fly.

'there's a time to listen, a time to talk, and you might have to crawl even after you walk' ~life's a dance (john michael montgomery)

one row back from the front, all the way to the right side of the classroom, there is a little girl (she sits there so that she can daydream). she has a heinously short hairdo - reminiscent of a bowl cut (which came as an attempt to 're-invent' herself when she left elementary school - she thought it was a 'big kid' haircut - wrong). her coke-bottle glasses magnify her eyes to twice their normal size and her high-water-hand-me-down jeans show off her white ankle socks jutting out from her tennis shoes (fashion is not her forte). she knows the answer to the question, but never raises her hand. she is always picked last in gym class and boys openly make fun of her in the hallways. girls think she is weird because she always has her nose stuck in a book.

everyone has an awkward phase, and even though hers was more like an entire novel instead of just a chapter, things were looking up by the time she hit high school. in fact, by senior year she had everything needed to piss everyone else off about how wonderful her life was: captain of the state-title holding cheerleading squad, homecoming queen, valedictorian, first-seed doubles and captain of the tennis team, steady beau, voted "best all-around" for a senior superlative, acceptance into the college of her dreams... but even though she traded her pink and purple flower-rimmed glasses in for contacts, she still felt like that little girl in the middle school classroom.

and sometimes, when i look in the mirror, i still see that small, insecure, glaringly unattractive, self-loathing middle schooler who hates how mean people can be and thinks she will never amount to anything.

the ghosts of who we were will always be with us. and the decisions and choices we make, along with their repercussions, will be right there too. staring us down, taunting us, making us question our very existence, and doing a darn good job of making us feel worthless.

but just because the past will always be with us does not mean we dwell there. in the past. in the negative. people make bad decisions - you can't be anyone if you haven't done anything. should i have compromised my self worth in an attempt to be like everyone else? probably not, but i learned from it. have i made awful decisions that i regretted almost instantaneously? of course, but i am better because of it.

pick yourself up, take a deep breath, and take one step forward. people are there to encourage you. to support you. see yourself for who you are becoming, not who you've been. do not define yourself in terms of your failures, but your aspirations. and do not let those failures hinder your ambitions. you are bigger than the sum of your flaws, indiscretions, and mistakes. you, and only you, have control of your dreams and actions. be the change you want to see in yourself. live it. you are not that awkward, unfortunate middle schooler trapped in a world of hopelessness and unhappiness. you are so much more than what you've done wrong.

i refuse to let who i've been determine who i'll be.

--

so many emotions. so little time.

9 days until graduation.

'i'm not drowning, there's no one here to save' ~king of anything (sara b)

i don't kiss random boys and i don't 'hook-up.' i turn in papers late sometimes, don't always finish the reading for my classes, occasionally speed, and every once in awhile my shoes don't match the clothes i'm wearing. i say dumb things, make inappropriate jokes and forget people's names. i misinterpret what people say. a lot. i am not perfect.

i've come to this realization before. yes. but i'm SO tired of pretending to be someone i'm not around certain people. i spent years living someone else's dream. AND I AM SICK OF IT. i did what i thought would make everyone else happy. i cared entirely too much about what other people thought. i blatantly ignored what i needed and wanted. maybe it was because i was the oldest and had the pleasure of looking after my numerous younger siblings and not worrying about what i wanted. maybe i'm just a glutton for punishment. whatever it was, i'm done. i'm SO tired of censoring what i say around certain people; adapting my personality depending on which group of friends i'm with. and i am SO INCREDIBLY TIRED of letting other people's crappy dispositions and personalities determine and influence mine. so from now on, i'm doing ME. no matter who i'm with. and if you don't like it, you can kiss my ass.

i'm convinced that if people were just upfront from the beginning about their feelings/emotions/undesirable character traits/whatever, fewer hearts would be broken and stronger relationships could be made. at the same time: we need to stop lying to ourselves. it's time to put all the cards on the table. to lay everything on the line. what you see is what you get: this is me. 100%. take it or leave it.

i believe in: myself. being angry. the class of 2011 SENIOR CLASS GIFT. pink. smiling. love. daffodils. laffy taffy jokes. mixed cds. blue eyes. muscular arms. the TRIBE. cephotography. country churches. tailgates. making up goofy moves to songs that come on the radio. rusty. slouchy t-shirts. high cotton. country music. redheads. kissing in the rain. ballroom dancing. picking your nose when you don't have a tissue and you just can't take it any more. mason jars. blogging. wearing granny-panties. sundresses. crooked teeth. polka dots. tractors. wanting the best for those you love. using the hairspray can as a microphone. ribbon. house. kindergarteners. ramen. chocolate. being picky. swinging. driving stick. sweet tea. mark twain. pearls. freckles. sand between my toes. keds. sweating like a boy. running shoes. planners. sisters. bow ties. salt water. trashy reality tv. boys who dress well. gardens. colorful pens. daniel beale. diaries. tweed. paper boy hats. people who play with my hair. genuine compliments. uninhibited laughter. embracing your inability to SING. giggling. bay windows. people who do good without expectations. musicals. differing opinions. 'that's what she said' jokes. grinding. making the ones i love happy. cooking with ham-hock. being a LOSER. the little things. having unrealistic expectations about love. books that scare you. accessories. listening. desk calendars. glee. carmex.

i believe that: jesus christ can save us from our sins, all we have to do is believe in him and ask for forgiveness. the art of bullshit is sometimes completely necessary. there isn't just one person for everyone - i don't need to find 'the one' i need to find one of 'the ones.' texting is not a valid form of communication. just when you think it can't get any worse, it will. my ability to simultaneously dress like a grandmother and pre-schooler is an asset. people will always disappoint you, so stop expecting so much. sometimes folks lose touch, and that's ok. i will never be comfortable wearing thong underwear. actions really do speak louder than words - so shut-up and walk the walk. dancing ridiculously is the ONLY way to dance. you will change the world. friends can do really shitty things, but you forgive them and get over it. on the same note: people change, which means friends change. just because i don't hook up doesn't mean i look down on those who do. holding hands is a really big deal. you will always want the self-satisfaction of having your ex come crawling back [it doesn't matter if you think you're 'over him']. one day i will be an awesome mother. a good cry can work wonders. in a lot of ways i am mean and superficial. bad things happen to good people. not all girls have to like shopping. i deserve better. folding fresh laundry is therapeutic. people treat you like you let them. i've changed more in the last year of college than i did in the first three, in some ways for worse, but in more ways for the better. sometimes, you just need to shut people out. kisses on the forehead are magical. someone is going to talk shit - who cares? mama is always right, no matter what. sweet tea tastes better when you drink it from a mason jar. one of the best feelings is falling in love with music. breakfast tastes better when you make it for supper. one day, he/she will realize how big they fucked up. i am a phenomenal individual who will make a difference. some people aren't worth my time [and vice versa]. it's ok to just walk away occasionally. real friends know the difference between 'i need to look at shoes' upset and 'i need to feel the sand between my toes and rain on my face' kind of upset. you can't always be the bigger person. we lie to ourselves constantly. in the end, you are the only person responsible for your experiences. bad decisions need to be made [you can't be anybody if you haven't done anything]. when the sun sets, you are the only person who has to sleep in the bed you've made - so deal with it or shut the hell up about it.

suck it

:)

'let me riddle you a ditty it's just an itty bitty little thing on my mind' ~happily ever after (he is we)

there are 17 days left of classes. graduation is in 33.

4 years. and it all comes down to 33 days. i have 33 days to laugh as loud as i want with the ones i love. i have 33 days to make memories and more mistakes than i'm willing to admit. i have 33 days to go on ferry rides and stargaze, wander the aisles of the candy store, meander down DoG street, dance around and jump on my bed in my dorm room, pull all-nighters to write that paper i should've been working on for weeks, order cheesy bread and have it delivered to Swem, giggle during staff meeting, go on midnight runs through CW, take pilgrimages to WaWa, chat with the bouncers at the Leafe, sit at the picnic table outside of Chandler. i have 33 days to quote song lyrics while walking to Wren, trip over bricks and watch movies instead of doing homework. i have 33 days to take enough pictures to last me a lifetime. i have 33 days to not give a flying f*ck what anyone thinks.

i have 33 days to say goodbye to the place that has provided me with challenges i thought insurmountable, friends who are unsurpassed and memories i will never forget. w&m has given me the opportunity to run, streak, jump, paint my face and scream at the top of my lungs, laugh enough to render ab workouts unnecessary, cry enough to last me for years and party with Thomas Jefferson for his birthday. 33 days. i have 33 days to say goodbye to the college that changed me in ways that i never thought possible; the institution that gave me countless experiences and opportunities and made me the person i want to be. i have 33 days to say goodbye to home.

now is not the time to question, to pause. now is the time to yell, go crazy, sing, run barefoot in the pouring rain, dance so ridiculously everyone stares. you can sleep later, so stay up late and have conversations that seem trivial now - soon they will hold a special place in your heart. stop second guessing yourself and just do it. believe. laugh. smile. embrace. cry. be scared - it's ok - just don't let it keep you from enjoying this last month. don't waste your time on people who don't deserve it. don't spend these last few days worrying. be in the moment. tell those you love how much they mean to you. stop fretting about the future, the present is what matters. smile like you've never smiled before. close your eyes and relish in the moment. love without boundaries, speak without inhibitions, listen to your music too loud, and have too much fun.

my story isn't coming to a close, but this chapter is almost finished.

live. just be. 33 days to just be. 33 days to just be happy.

'beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts' ~better than a hallelujah (amy grant)

when i published my previous post i didn't quite feel like it was finished - sitting in church this sunday morning listening to the special, i realized that it wasn't even 1/2 way done. amy grant's 'better than a hallelujah' is one of my absolute favorite songs, and it made me think:

whenever i'm on my way home i briefly feel like i have to confront my past 'self'. the girl all of my friends at home think i am, the person my parents remember, the choir-girl the little old ladies at church expect to see sunday morning walking through the door with a hug to greet them and a cheek for them to kiss. that girl is much different than the one who comes home now. yes, she still runs in dresses even though grandmama tells her it isn't ladylike, makes the tea too sweet, and goes shootin with daddy after church in her sunday shoes, but she's spunkier, more confident, less cautious, and downright ornery compared to the girl who sat across from danny at the supper table 4 years ago. she says things she shouldn't, wears pants to church sometimes (gasp!), asks questions, and doesn't follow blindly like she use to. and i'm terrified that she doesn't measure up to the girl everyone expects to get out of that lime green vw beetle.

so, as usual, my stomach did a little dance as i crested the hill before grandmama's house. the anxiety - that slight flicker of fear and uncertainty that comes from my irrational fear that they aren't going to love me anymore - came back for a split second.

then i saw that red toyota - my pop-pop's truck. and that awful feeling vanished.

you have to understand, this man means everything to me. he is hands down the most resilient, caring, loving individual i have ever been blessed enough to know. most girls say they want to marry a man like their daddy... well, i want to marry one like my pop-pop. when i was cleaning his cabinets out over break i found a huge stack of little plastic cups. he is only one man. there is NO need for him to have over 50 5oz parfait cups from mcdonald's. so when i told him i was going to throw them out he quietly informed me that i couldn't - he used them to for jell-o. when i told him that he could keep a few and i'd get rid of the rest, he said no, that he made jell-o for the workers at mcdonald's in them. yes - that's right - he makes the cashiers and burger-flippers and the drive-thru tellers jell-o. what's more: when i asked him why he was picking up change from the drive through at hardee's - he informed me that he collected it throughout the year and put it in a tin at home, then donated it to the children's fund at church that goes to buy toys for orphans every christmas. yeah.

this is the same man who, when i called him crying about a stupid boy, reminded me that 'one day you're gonna be someone's unforgettable, but until then don't you pay those other boys no mind' - like i said, absolutely amazing.

over the past 4 years i've developed these incredibly deceiving defense mechanisms - many of them include some of the nuances from my last blogpost. they've done a swell job of camouflaging some of my more desirable traits. don't get me wrong, i'm not completely disassociating myself from the girl who now refuses to settle and is no longer a doormat, but with the help of the man i love so much, i've assured myself that who i'm becoming and the sweetheart my family knows can be one-in-the-same. pop-pop reminds me that even with my many faults there are more than enough reasons to love me. so after an entire post spent on airing out my dirty laundry, i've decided that one reassuring myself that i do posses a few redeemable qualities is quite necessary:

i love making people laugh - even though most of the time i'm being laughed at instead of with. i'm caring, insightful at times, loving, and i want nothing more than to make those i love happy. i'm candid, lovable, encouraging, and supportive. i listen well - usually. i can be so, incredibly selfish sometimes, i'll be the first to admit it, but i will drive you 1.5 hours home if you really need me to (even if i have other things i could/should be doing with my time), remember that you have a test next tuesday and wish you luck before and ask you how it went after, and wake up at 6am to bake you a cake for your birthday because i didn't have time to do it the day before.

all of these qualities, and even the ones from my previous post, make me the person that my pop-pop loves. it's who i am. even the little things, like my obsession with mason jars, love for catching lightning bugs, and my unfortunate ability to say extremely inappropriate things at the most inopportune times are occasionally endearing. things that may come as a shock to some, but are normal to my family, are what makes me 'me.' yes - i do clean out the dog pen in my boots and pearls and wrestle with my little brother on the kitchen floor. i still call mama almost every time i cook to make sure that i'm doing everything right. as a matter of fact i DO have a binder that i've cut and pasted pictures from pottery barn, southern living, and better homes and gardens magazines for ideas that i will one day use in my dream-house/garden/beach-getaway/perfect life. i am creative. i am fun. i am cute. i am a complete disaster most of the time. i am spastic. i am ridiculous. i am an absolute mess. i am unexpected - and it is perfect.

"beautiful the mess we are, the honest cries of breaking hearts, are better than a hallelujah sometimes..."
~(better than a hallelujah) amy grant

this morning i finally began to understand that sometimes the things that aren't expected are better than those which are.

'and if you want to leave i can guarantee you won't find nobody else like me' ~follow me (uncle kracker)

i wake up monday to a knock on my door from the little girl that lives down the hall:
'miss caitlin, can you braid my hair today?'
'of course! what's the occasion?'
'it's valentine's day!'

oh. fudge.

moments later i get a text from my sister: happy singles awareness day!
thanks kristen.

don't get me wrong, i have nothing against valentine's day - i made valentines for my friends with cookies and nerdy pickup lines :) - but this hallmark holiday has an uncanny knack for making those of us without valentines feel a little more isolated than usual. this is temporarily resolved by going to see Gnomeo and Juliet and sneaking chips and salsa into the theater, but when the laughter subsides, the stylish 3D glasses come off, and your girlfriends are gone - you're left with your thoughts, generally consisting of (but in no way limited to) 'wait - why don't i have a valentine?'

a few days ago one of my professors dropped some serious knowledge on my significant texts in western religion class: don't get married when you're lonely. dang. i suppose it's true though - it isn't until you understand what it means to be independent and happy with yourself that you can truly appreciate someone else and expect them to appreciate you just as much. if you can't deal with your flaws when you're all alone to face and deal with them yourself - how could anyone else? so this is me, accepting/acknowledging/broadcasting my flaws in an effort to not be lonely... what? whatever:

i realize that i am FAR from perfect. my unhealthy obsession with country music, inability to verbalize and have important conversations, moodiness, general lack of empathy in some situations, prudishness, sarcasm, bitchyness, addiction to trashy music and tv, and distinct deficiency in the way of style are a VERY few of my less-than-desirable qualities. my occasional spaceyness, forgetfulness, stubbornness, and unorganized tendencies, as well as my uncanny ability to make any situation incredibly awkward also rank rather high on the 'things-that-could-drive-anyone-mad' list. i'm not the best driver. i bottle up my emotions until they all rush out at once (usually resulting in my snapping at an inappropriate moment that doesn't warrant a rant/cry, but somehow that's the only way i can deal with it).

phew. this is rough.

i despise making decisions. i bite my fingernails. i am terrible at keeping track of expenses and i worry far too much. it takes A LOT for me to trust someone. i'm annoying in more ways than one. i burp like a man and have mastered what my daddy calls the 'you've done something wrong and will soon feel my wrath' look. i call bullshit far too often - sorry fellas. i micro-manage people, but i've decided that's why i'm going to be an awesome kindergarten teacher. when i get defensive i can be extremely condescending in an effort to not feel like an idiot, which backfires and just makes me look like an ass. i'm a terrible conversationalist and speller. i'm bad at letting people know how much they mean to me. i have a super unattractive resting face. i'm spastic. i would lose my head if it weren't attached to my body - no seriously. i'm mean. i can be SO hateful if provoked. i can't take compliments.

i could go on, but i don't think my ego can handle this much longer.

while i have come to terms with the fact that i need to work on some of these things - i also understand that step 1 to forming healthy relationships with others is to learn to love yourself, all of yourself - even the less-than-socially-acceptable/desirable tendencies/qualities/habits. and honestly, sometimes i'm convinced that i'm actually pretty fabulous - so it's gonna pay off for some guy when he decides he's willing to put up with my manic-spastic-emotional-self. and i have friends - so i must not be too awful.

mama used to tell me that i was perfect because God doesn't make mistakes. i am SO perfectly imperfect - aren't we all?

<3

'we talked and drank and danced and said goodbye - we laughed until we cried' ~laughed until we cried (jason aldean)

i wish someone had told me how fast time would go by: how minutes would seem like seconds and years would dissolve into memories so terrifyingly quickly. maybe i would've gone to that concert two states over when i had the chance, painted my face and screamed a little louder at the last football game, stayed up all night talking about things that seemed meaningless at the time, or told him that i thought i might like him. maybe i would've been less self-conscious and told my manager to shove-it when he asked me to come in early and stay late. maybe i would've said 'i love you' more and 'i hate her' less, taken more chances, and pictures, made more promises and made sure to keep them. maybe i would've gotten into trouble, actually learned how to dance, let my guard down, and told that guy just what i thought of his jerkish tendencies. maybe i would've played on that i.m. football team instead of thinking that the boys would get frustrated with me, or that i looked like an idiot when i wore rainboots and leggings. maybe i would've skipped the 3rd revision on that paper and watched that movie with my girlfriends instead, gone to more mug nights, and gone on ferry-rides more often.

maybe i would've spent less time worrying and more time living.

maybe they did tell me. maybe i just didn't listen.

this semester i resolve to dance until my feet ache, love until my heart breaks, sing until my throat hurts, and laugh until my lungs burst. i will hug until i can't hold my arms up, share until i have nothing left to give, smile until my laugh lines become permanent, wish on shooting stars until i run out of prayers, and drive until my tires wear out. i'm going to attend enough tribe basketball and baseball games to set a world record, take pictures until my camera refuses to function, kick butt in my classes, and have so much fun i won't know what to do with myself. i resolve to be unabashedly happy. i will not have regrets. i will not let opportunities pass me by. i refuse to let what i don't have effect what i do [thanks s&tc]. i will say goodbye in the best way possible - by celebrating with those i love.

whatever time we are given will be absolutely enough as long as we make the most of it.
~if i die young (the band perry)
the college of william and mary, class of 2011 <3

'life's what you make it, so let's make it rock' ~life's what you make it (hannah montana)

i've never been good a keeping new year resolutions - the whole 'make unrealistic goals only to fail and be disappointed in yourself' is over-rated in my opinion. instead, at the beginning of each year i make a list of things i want to do in the months to follow [you know how i love lists]. sometimes they're just general 'be more spontaneous' or 'talk with God more' things; others are stolen straight from my 'list of things to do before i die [they've gotta get done somehow - right?]

here's my list for 2011:

• see a 'double feature' at a local movie joint
• spend WAY too much on REALLY cute shoes. like - an absurd amount of money [but i have to be in love with them - and not so absurd that i can't pay my bills]
  
• drive for 3 days without looking at a map, figure out where i am on day 4 and keep going
• shoot at least 5 weddings [1 down, 2 in the making, and 2 more to go!]
• see/swim in the pacific ocean [if i'm gonna go all the way there to look at it, i might as well jump in]
  
• kiss a boy in the rain
• sleep under the stars (not even in a tent - nothin between me and the sky, except maybe a blanket)
• shower in a waterfall
• ride on a motorcycle
• ask a boy out on a date
  
• move out of va
• be more fun [i know this is sorta broad and ambiguous, but it includes: being more spontaneous, not being so dang timid when it comes to being around people i don't know, flirting, wearing cute clothes, being more sociable, so on and so forth]
  

out of my list of 10 things to do in 2010, i accomplished all but 1 [fit into my freshman jeans - please, like that would ever actually happen], so i'm feelin pretty good about this one too. last year i ended up traveling to europe, selling my artwork, and becoming a bartender at hooters, so it's safe to say that a.b.s.o.l.u.t.e.l.y. a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g. is possible. 2010 is gonna be hard to beat, but seeing as how i'm about to start my LAST SEMESTER OF COLLEGE at least the first 5 months of 2011 are sure to be epic. and despite the possible jobless-homeless-futurelessness that months 6-12 may or may not bring, i'm pretty STOKED about life right now.

here we go ladies and gents - fasten your seat belts and hold on to your long johns. this is probably going to be a little rocky. BRING IT 2011.

'if i could write a letter to me' ~letter to me (brad paisley)

last year i had the pleasure of ringing in the new year with a few of my closest friends. the family that hosted us was positively wonderful and they have the coolest traditions! ten years prior the family had all of the kids write to themselves and on new year's eve they all read the letters that their 9, 10, and 11 year-old-selves wrote to the young women and men they had become. while they were comical at times (from wishes for toys to houses to always living with your sister, everything was mentioned) they made us all think: 'what would we have said to ourselves if we had written these letters to us?' my girlfriends and i thought about doing the same activity, but then we got scared; what if we wrote to our 30-year-old selves and were then disappointed with our lives? what if 10 years from now we read these and we're so upset that our lives aren't what we wanted that it completely changes our outlook and we spiral into a heart-wrenching depression? albeit slightly dramatic - it was a legitimate concern - so we didn't write the letters. despite the impending melancholy and possible mid-life crisis that is sure to ensue, i've decided that this year i'm going to write a letter to me. but instead of reading it 10 years from now (when i [hopefully - fingers crossed] have a family and my depression would effect more than just me) i'll read it again in a year.
random note: i designed it as a semi pick-me-up just in case my life sucks in a year. be prepared, it's sappy:

hey gurl hey,
by the time you read this, you'll have graduated college (hopefully) and have started a new life. you will NOT be in grad school, or the north, or living with your parents, or homeless... i don't think. actually, i don't know where you'll be, but i hope you are surrounded by good friends, live somewhere that you aren't afraid to go outside at night, have a job that you like well enough, and are figuring out what you want to do with yourself. you will most certainly have some semblance of a library (even if it's just a bookshelf), i would like to think that you have a boyfriend (i mean - it isn't a necessity, but it would be nice), some sort of transportation (remember: scooters come in some quite fabulous colors), and a baller camera that you love using. the last one is the most important. so if that hasn't happened get on that asap.

i hope you haven't forgotten about the things that make you happy in your struggle to survive. i hope you've found a church family wherever you ended up - i'm probably most nervous for this one. always remember that there's a country song for everything no matter what you're feeling, that the Lord will always be with you no matter how alone you think you are, that your mama taught you how to be strong no matter how weak you feel, and that you can do anything you set your mind to no matter how far-fetched your dreams may seem. remember that grandmama's voice is only a phone-call away and that if it really gets that bad you can always go home - they'll be there.

don't be so hard-headed or hard on yourself. and don't be afraid to ask for help. when you get really nervous - as you're apt to do - don't forget that you probably have your lucky penny in your shoe. whey you get scared - remind your irrational self that there aren't actually monsters in your closet or under your bed, so it's probably not as bad as you think. when you want to give up - remember to believe in yourself. when you start to worry - don't. when you think that maybe your laugh is kind-of annoying or you rehash situations over and over and think about what you should've done differently - stop. i know you'll probably still be doing this, but really - you need to stop. it just makes things worse. it always has and it always will. but maybe most importantly: when you refuse to settle for less than what you want - keep on keepin on. you go girl.

i hope you are happy. if you aren't - get that way. it's a mindset. i hope you read lots - and that your vocabulary has improved vastly. i hope you still have a subscription to Southern Living - because it's all about the little things. i really really really want you to be cool in real life. i want you to be able to walk in heels confidently. actually you WILL be cool, and you WILL be able to walk in heels. there. now it has to happen. if you still don't have a 'little black dress' that makes you feel invincible, go buy one. don't forget that you absolutely abhor running, but it's the one thing that can actually take your mind off things.

don't forget about that box with all of the pictures that you love the most. it's in the bottom of the rubbermaid container labeled 'chapter three.' oh and somewhere there's a box with all of the things that meant the most to you in college - everything in there was given to you by someone who made a difference in your life. there is also a folder with your favorite quotes and passages from books that you love and things that you had hanging in your room that meant something special to you - find it if you feel like you've lost yourself. go through it and hopefully you'll start coming back.

i hope you have enough money for rent, enough food for your belly, enough happiness for laughter, enough love for someone else, enough time for yourself, enough tenacity to never give up, and enough gas to get to the beach. but if not, i hope you have enough gumption to figure out how to get them.

regardless of where you live or what your job is though, i'm proud of you and i love you. now go do something with yourself. and stop biting your fingernails. it's really gross. oh and i hope you're still keeping that diary - the one with spots on it and the piece of fabric that wraps around it. if you aren't you should start again, it helped you figure things out when you needed it most.

always,
you

ps - call mama and tell her that you love her and are thankful for her. make sure to check on kristen too - tell her how gorgeous she is and that you miss her. you never have been good at saying those things to them.

*i encourage all 11 of you blog followers to write a letter to you as well - remind yourself of the things you love about yourself and the things you're working on. happy new year :]

'i wanna walk away too, but i want you to say you - are sorry' ~say you're sorry (sara bareilles)

these past few days have been positively glorious: no papers to write or tests to study for, customers to take care of or bars to clean, meetings to go to or committees to serve on. my days have been consumed by mindless pleasures that include, but are not limited to: baking, reading, laughing, eating, dancing around awkwardly [which - if you know me - you understand how well i can awkwardly dance], catching up with friends, photographing, fraternizing, and relaxing. aside from this year's holiday season being remembered as 'the year mama let me make the cheesecake' [no one but mama has EVER been allowed to make it, but somehow this year i was allowed to partake in the hallowed tradition of the making of the christmas cheesecake. and let me just say: it wasn't as good as mama's, but it was pretty darn good] it's been one of reflection and contemplation. i mean, there's currently over a foot of snow on the ground - and it's still comin down strong. sledding and making snow cream DO get old after awhile believe it or not, so naturally there's plenty of time to think. this post is packed full of epiphanies - so snuggle up, grab some sweet tea and sit for awhile :]

as i was watching my little sister tear up the side of a mountain skiing, i got to thinking about parents. we were waiting for our dad to get there and it dawned on me that i doubt my parents a lot more than i used to. it really stinks when your parents don't turn out to be the superheroes that you once thought they were. you'd think that at the age of 21 i would've come to terms with the fact that parents aren't infallible or invincible. nonetheless, a little part of me dies every time this universal truth is rediscovered: like when you realize that daddy can't actually rewind tv - it was a tape. or that mama hasn't developed some immunity to cutting onions - her eyes don't water because she's wearing contacts. i should've learned that daddy will ALWAYS be late and sometimes won't show up at all and that he will undoubtedly forget to call for weeks at a time. and while i still don't think i'll ever be able to peel potatoes as fast as mama, i now understand that it isn't because she is endowed with special 'potato peeling abilities' - it's because she's a mama. parents are human - we shouldn't expect them to never make a mistake or do things that frustrate us. to expect that would be to expect the impossible - and we'd be setting awful lofty expectations for ourselves whenever we grow up and have kids of our own.

guys also fall nicely into the category of 'harsh reality checks' when it comes to expectations. disclaimer: i am NOT an expert on guys or relationships - if i get something completely wrong or you have a different opinion feel free to share. boys have kinda been on my mind a lot lately - this time of year does that to you. it's perfect weather for curling up with someone special and watching a movie or cooking spaghetti and drinking a glass of cheap wine. this is what i've concluded about the less-fair sex whilst holed up in my thermals, fuzzy socks and pigtails:

1. you can't MAKE a boy like you - they're either attracted to you or they aren't. just because all of your friends see you for the adorable, smart, funny, witty, beautiful-inside-and-out individual you are doesn't mean that every boy on the planet will too. regardless of how much you hang out, how much you make him laugh and how much good food you feed him - if you've been put into the 'friend' category it's unlikely that you'll ever get out of it. accept it. get over it. embrace it. their loss. and hey - every girl could benefit from a few close friends who are boys. and vice verso: regardless of how 'perfect' all of your friends tell you boy 'x' is for you - if you aren't attracted to him, you aren't attracted to him.

2. somewhat along the same thread: just because you feel something more doesn't mean that the guy wants anything more. don't assume that interest means interest in anything beyond the body. so when you find yourself involved with a guy who isn't looking for anything too serious, but you think you want something more, it's better to just walk away rather than making a complete fool out of yourself. so when you realize that this is the case - seriously, just move on. don't expect closure or for him to apologize, because in all likelihood it's not gonna happen. by walking away and making a conscious effort to forget about him you'll save yourself a lot of heartache, sleepless nights, and friends who are ready to slap some sense into you for having to watch you turn yourself into an emotional train-wreck over some no-good-two-timing-dirty-rotten-lyin-cheatin-son-of-a-b*tch who doesn't even have the decency of swamp gas. maybe it's easier said than done, but it CAN be done. i promise.

3. followup: if a girl gives a guy the impression that all she wants is a casual, meaningless hookup, that's all he'll ever want. why would he commit more than necessary? if you know that you can't hookup without getting attached - don't hookup. it's really not that complicated - and while this may lead to countless nights snuggling with a stuffed animal instead of a cutie, it's better than the alternative: spending entirely too much time and energy on people who don't deserve it.

obviously there are some exceptions... but as we've all learned from experience: never expect to be the exception. it's a harsh reality, but a reality nonetheless.

i know that this post was somewhat random [and slightly cynical at times], but everything falls under the over-arching category of 'truths that kinda suck.' and like most reality checks: they might come as a rude awakening, but are completely necessary. and just in case guys actually read this and you've managed to get this far in the post without throwing your computer: you're not all worthless, scum-bag, emotionless idiots - it's just that the vast majority of your gender are, and it's sometimes very difficult to find those of you who aren't. don't hate me - it's just an observation.

enough of this - i can hear my family yelling and jumping around in the living room... so i'm gonna go join in. pictionary and just dance 2 here i come!!

ps - i got the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS EVER: pyrex glassware, a pie dish, power tools, a crock pot, and mason jar stemware. yes - you read correctly - mason jar stemware. ilovemylife.

'girl you're beautiful, you're probably perfect, but i bet somebody's already told you that' ~lookin for a good time (lady antebellum)

ok here's the deal: i need to learn how to flirt.

the story: i'm at a party this weekend. i've actually brushed my hair and put on clothes other than sweatpants for the first time in 2 weeks and made an effort to apply mascara (oh hey final exams). i'm talking to my girlfriends and turn away for a hot second. a boy comes up to me and tells me he thinks i'm cute. i have no idea what to do. he walks away never to be seen or heard from again. a bajillion things run through my mind: did that really just happen? that NEVER happens! was it a joke? it must've been a dare or something. wait, was he serious? WHY DIDN'T I SAY ANYTHING!!?!?!??! what is wrong with me? fail caits. fail.

background information: for those of you who know me, i'm fairly quiet until i get to know you. talking makes me uncomfortable unless i am well acquainted with those i'm conversing with. when i get nervous or am put into a situation in which i am uncomfortable, i shut down. i don't like attention - i like observing. i write; i do not orate. when i do speak, i'm generally rather awkward. luckily once i get comfortable my quirky, smart-assed self sometimes decides to show, but until then i'm kinda socially-inept [and even after my like-ability is somewhat questionable]. this is true ESPECIALLY if i'm interested in whomever i'm interacting with. as a general rule: if i see you across the room and i think i might want to get to know you, i will avoid eye contact. if you come over because you know my friend and start talking, i will make a conscious effort to remain out of the conversation. seem counter-productive? it is.

essentially: the spoken word is not my forte. and neither is talking with boys. ironically, i work at hooters, which requires that i actually talk to folks. however, if you flirt there you'll be asked out - or even proposed to - quicker than ice cream melts on a summer day in downtown memphis, so i've actually mastered the art of NOT flirting. in fact, i've been told more than once that i exude the 'f*ck-off' vibe. i should probably work on that.

in conclusion: i need to learn how to be more approachable. more specifically, if i am approached and i am genuinely interested, i need to learn how to show that i'm interested. whoa. this is gettin scary.

the plan: i'm thinking that smiling is essential, as is eye contact. after watching my flop of a friday night, one of my girlfriends decided it was necessary to actually set up a list of steps for me to follow, which i've provided (verbatim) below:
1. engage in eye contact
2. find common interests
3. continue being the smart ass adorable girl you are
4. find something to laugh about - girls who laugh seem more chill less crazy
5. make physical contact: a brush on the arm, a light, flirty punch
[hebba gets credit for all of this]

the goal: implement some (all is a little ambitious for the first go-round) of these. wish me luck? and give me suggestions...

'call me crazy if you got it in you, but these people don't seem to mind' ~all over now (eric hutchinson)

we're in the home stretch now - finals have begun and the madness that seems to wreak havoc on the sanity of students has ensued. finding a place to study takes just as long as the studying itself, and it's harder to find seats in the library than at a major sporting event. tension and caffeine consumption are at abnormally high rates. seemingly minute annoyances ranging from there not being enough outlets to the vending machines in swem being devoid of anything but three year old gum suddenly seem to be threats to world peace. people are sleeping in the library, showering in miller, and brushing their teeth in academic buildings.

stop. this. madness.

i'm not saying don't study for your exams. by all means, please don't fail. but amidst the chaos and cramming remember that sometimes you just need to dance around your room in socks by yourself, or go for a drive, or drink a diet coke. take a break and write for fun, curl your hair and wear a dress, go grocery shopping, eat that piece of chocolate pie with your girlfriend, or buy that somewhat overpriced pair of little black booties that you've been thinking about ever since you saw them. sometimes sleeping for more than 2 1/2 hours is more important than studying for that greek and roman mythology exam that you're probably going to do less-than-well on anyway. sometimes you just NEED to curse. loudly. and sing aloud on the first floor of the library.

while you're worrying about your grades, don't forget about yourself. and really, is it going to matter if you don't get an A on that exam? yeah, your gpa will plummet and you probably won't get into grad school so you'll obviously be homeless for the remainder of your existence and most definitely won't go on to solve world hunger, but maybe you weren't supposed to get your PhD anyway...

<3

'there's so much to be thankful for' ~thankful (josh groban)

dear lord, thank you for:
your love. sweet tea. laughter. mama's cookin. daddy's lovin. danny's smile. kristen. grandmama's applesauce. pop-pop's bear hugs. best friends. stars. sunshine. camo coveralls. tractors. mountain apple cider. boys who open the door for you. carhartt coats. skim milk. cheesecake. ribbon. a house whose roof leaks and windows let in cold air, but is filled with enough love to render those minute inconveniences irrelevant. cotton fields. dishwashers. sunday mornings. family. pictures. Italy. disney movies. MUSIC. guns. fords. ice-cream. dancing. the college of william & mary. toothbrushes. bathroom stall doors that open out instead of in. the piano. iPods. fudge. shoes. ben & jerry's. professors who care. the beach. mashups. fuzzy socks. the blue flavored chapstick. being able to come home to a place where it is completely acceptable to have more camo than jean in your wardrobe and a gun safe or two in your closet. dangley earrings. chocolate. poetry. stick shifts. google. the macy's thanksgiving day parade. little old ladies at church. gardens. canning. aprons. SOUTHERN LIVING MAGAZINE. color. puppies. cookies. kisses on the forehead. tutus. pie. cowboy boots and hats and wrangler jeans (and the boys who make them look so good). happiness. love. milkshakes. hope. great literature. tears. babies. quilts. vacations. office supplies. bubble baths. miracles. christmas music. glasses. walters, va <3
and so much more...

happy thanksgiving :]

"girl you're amazing just the way you are" ~just the way you are (bruno mars)

occasionally i have these brief instances of clarity and contentment. they usually come and go without anyone really noticing. they don't seem that important. whether it be riding with the windows down through the surry countryside after taking the ferry home or sitting outside in the sunshine reading/writing/listening to music, i can honestly say they don't happen very often; these moments in which i am completely and utterly at peace with myself, the world around me, and where i fit into it. moments in which i am not worried about academics, work, friends, family, but instead blissfully fulfilled. in these fleeting seconds of pure happiness i am more than satisfied with myself and where i am spiritually, intellectually, academically, socially, physically. these moments have always been short-lived. i go to sleep smiling and wake up too late to make it to church and remember that i have a portfolio due, 500 pages of reading, a group-project and two exams that week that i haven't started studying for because i've been working all weekend [welcome to life at the w&m].

but this last one was different. somehow the fleeting instance has turned into a timeless realization:

i'm not doin half bad.

no - everything is not perfect or enchantingly simple and flawless. but when will it ever be? i'm learning from my mistakes. i'm making new ones. i'm living. no - i'm not getting all a's or going out on dates with amazing guys or being bold or checking things off of my list-of-things-to-do-before-i-die or figuring out what i want to be when i grow up. no - i'm not getting everything right. but what kind of life would it be if i were? that's not what it's about. it's about embracing the world and yourself and all their perfect imperfections with a smiling face, open arms and a willing heart.

i can't be afraid to get things wrong. i can't be afraid to make mistakes. because in the end, the mistakes and how you deal with/overcome them are what makes you 'you.'

i can't really take full credit for this realization - i get by with a little help from my friends :] thanks christopher and deb lovelovelove

"i resolve - to regain my voice" ~back to where i was (eric hutchinson)

there's something about being barefoot that puts everything into perspective.

somehow over the past few months i've become so incredibly lost. i can't pinpoint exactly where it was that i started wandering off of the path, but now i appear to be in the middle of a very dense, very scary, very unfamiliar forest - with no clearing in sight. i've strayed too far from myself. recently, i've done things so totally uncharacteristic of the person i want to be... of the person i once was. don't get me wrong, that person was far from perfect; she was insecure, too apologetic, and she invested too much time and effort in too many of the wrong people. she most definitely didn't have everything together - that'll never happen - but at least she stood for something.

i'm disappointed in myself. i'm disappointed in the person i've become.

i need to get back to the sweet, blue-eyed young woman i once was - whose definition of a crazy night was watching a meteor shower at 4am across the james river with her girlfriends or eating an entire pint of ben&jerrys without any help. i want to get back to the wholesome, southern sweetheart who drinks chocolate milk for breakfast, isn't afraid to talk funny, puts her foot down when she needs to, and tells her little sister absolutely everything. i need to embrace the intelligent, smart-assed, quirky, quiet, loving, shy girl who refuses to allow herself to be compromised. she may lack self-confidence, but that's better than lacking self-respect.

i need to find her again. quickly.

"Gone for so long now / I gotta get back to her somehow / To American honey..."
~american honey (lady antebellum)

'get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible' ~impossible (rascal flatts)

four years ago, as a senior in high school, i wrote my college entrance essay (which [by the way] i'm convinced is the ONLY reason that i got into william and mary... because it sure as heck wasn't my SAT scores). it was written about a 6-year-old boy with red hair, freckles, and a smile that could melt your heart - my little brother. it emphasized that the most important lesson i had ever learned was from a boy who only ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches folded (never cut down the middle) and was obsessed with thomas the train. in the smallest instance, a seemingly inconsequential happening, from the most unassuming person imaginable, he taught me that inspiration can come from absolutely anyone, anywhere.

yesterday, he managed to do it again.

danny plays for a pop-warner football team - offensive tackle (he's a little bigger than when i wrote about him last). they've really struggled this year; they almost didn't have enough players to make a team, a couple of the kids haven't been able to play because of weight restrictions, and they haven't won a game yet. they played yesterday, so i called him beforehand to wish him good luck and tell him to call me when they were done to let me know how they did. when i saw my mama's number flash up on my phone two hours later i knew it was him. he sounded SO excited when i picked up - he was still out of breath from running off of the field and i could tell that he was grinning from ear to ear. i just knew that they had gotten their first win of the season.

his response when i asked how the game went: 'kk, we only lost by 1 point!'

i was disappointed. and confused. these kids had been working so hard, been through so much. i wanted so badly for them to be rewarded for everything they had been through, but they had lost... and my little brother was happy about it. what was going on?

then i realized he was doing it again: teaching me the things i can't learn from the textbooks i read every day or sitting in the classes i go to each week. 'coach said he was proud of us kk! and daddy said i blocked good' - he was happy because they had accomplished something: they were improving. they made the coach proud.

truthfully, it wasn't about the score at all. it was about the experience, the lessons learned, the growth as a team. you can learn a lot from losing. and sometimes it is those lessons that truly matter - not whether you win or lose.

thanks danny, you never cease to amaze me. <3 you to the moon and back.

'i would like to think the best of me is something i have yet to see' ~dave melillo (this is 2005)

it’s here – the end of summer. the moment i’ve been dreading for so long is now upon me. oddly enough, i’m totally ok with it. i’m ready for senior year, change, new experiences… i’m ready for anything. this is really surprising to me since i don’t have my class schedule finalized, haven’t gotten any of my textbooks, and my room is a disaster. i’m juggling two jobs and soon classes on two separate campuses. to top it all off, i have no idea what i’m going to be doing once i graduate. as in: i don't have a job [or even the slightest inkling as to what it'll be] or even know where i'm going. honestly, i should be freaking out… but i’m not. i’m so incredibly ready for whatever comes my way. i'm ready for 'real life' to begin.

don't interpret this as me wishing away my senior year... i want to relish in every second of my time left at the w&m. it's more like i've accepted that it has to come to an end. i can't always live in the same dorm as my closest friends. it won't always be acceptable to drink until 6am or wear pj's in public. i'm going to miss this campus, the people, the opportunities, the making of memories.

the same is true for home. i will always love home and [almost] everything that comes with it, but it isn't where i will always be. it's time for me to define myself in terms other that where i've come from. home will always be the perfect place of pot-lucks after sunday service, just like school will be perfect in its own ways. but all at once i've found myself musing over the thought that the memories themselves are sometimes better than the places. memories have a funny habit of warping reality. they leave out the the hardships, the struggles, the hurt feelings. they make you forget how badly you wanted to get out of that stupid little one-horse town that couldn't mind its own business, or those late nights when you couldn't wait until the day when you work at a 9-5 and don't have to write papers or take exams.

i'll still go back for the people i love - and the nostalgia. it's still home, it always will be, but now it's where i'm from - not where i'll always be.

i already miss it, but it's time. senior year... here i come.

'lost in this moment now, ain't worried 'bout tomorrow when you're busy livin' in a perfect day' ~perfect day (lady antebellum)

it finally feels like summer. i just returned from a long weekend with the family in myrtle beach, sc and i couldn't feel more revitalized, tanned, or blessed. [well... i guess i could be tanner, but the fact that i have any color at all is a miracle in itself]

my weekend was filled with a whole lotta nothing - just the way i like it when there are beaches involved. no deadlines. no clocking in. no assignments. no worries. this conveniently freed up my mind to wander - and let me tell you, minds go crazy places when they don't have specific assignments to contemplate. of course, my mind chose the most daunting forest to meander into - my future. the prospects are hopeful though: i'm going to do what i love. when i pitched the 'i'm not going to be a teacher' spiel to the parents they were less than thrilled, but i think they'll come around eventually. actually i think it was the 'i'm going to take pictures for a living' that really threw them for a loop, but i may not have delivered it as smoothly as i could've either.

i decided at the beginning of the summer that it was going to be a care-free one. as usual, that didn't translate into quite what i had planned - but then again, when does it ever? granted, the beach was fabulous, but i was thinking that i was going to have these crazy adventures and do daring things that i never would've before - in some cases it's true [italia!!], but it hasn't exactly carried over into my summer-at-home experience as much as i thought it would. i guess i was expecting to be bold and confident and not care what people think. i thought that maybe i'd meet new people and have grand adventures with old friends. i was hoping to meet some amazing boy and have this fantastic summer fling that you read about in those teen novels where kisses on the forehead and falling in love come easily. i wanted cookouts and sundresses and flipflop tans and summer nights spent stargazing. i wanted fishing trips and sun tea and enough laughter to render ab workouts unnecessary. i wanted blissful, carefree, so-sweet-you-have-to-close-your-eyes-and-smile afternoons spent with lemonade and the latest issue of Southern Living on the back porch.

but that's not how it's happening. i'm not the flirty, smooth, confident young woman i had envisioned. i haven't given a complete stranger my number (i really really tried - i just couldn't do it though. i blush entirely too much and i can't speak straight when i get nervous... it's actually rather awful). i manage to work 7 days a week and haven't truly gone out with friends once since getting home from florence. i only drink lemonade at work. i haven't gone fishing - and it doesn't look like i'm going to have time to.

i'm failing at summer. well, not really - i figured out what i think i'm doing with my life. i guess that counts for something - right? anyway, there's still 3 weeks of summer left. i still have time... i hope.

"daisy dukes, bikinis on top" ~california girls (katy perry)

i just got back from my month long gita in florence, italy - and the only words i have for it can't possibly describe how mind-blowingly amazing it was.

stunning: it. was. GORGEOUS. everywhere we went, beauty was present. whether it was in the sparkling clearblue water of the mediterranean sea at cinque terra or the ruins of the coliseum in rome - i couldn't even begin to fully capture the breathtaking views either in memory or on camera. michelangelo's david literally took my breath away and the many churches with their mosaics, painted ceilings and ornate decorations were some of the most beautiful things i had ever seen. and the way the sun fell over the city around 6/7pm every evening made me stop and stare.

educational: i learned SO much. i sort-of learned italian... i can say hello and order food, but the best part was that my italian professor's name was luigi. win. the leadership class i took was awesome, i loved my professor and learned a lot about myself, my perception of others, and how both effect my leadership potential. i also learned a lot outside of class... like to ask how much something is before you commit to paying for it, just making eye contact encourages european men (hell, not making eye contact encourages them), you control your experience and how much fun you have and what you take away from any given situation, and so much more.

surreal: from the moment i boarded the plane in boston that took me 8.5 hours across the atlantic i kept thinking 'this is really happening' and then i kept thinking that until i got back home when it became 'that really happened.' i couldn't believe it. this little girl from walters was over 4,000 miles away from home in a country that she didn't speak the language or know how to navigate the city. i could hardly believe that it was happening - even though i was living it. walking through the sidestreets of florence, photographing everything, smiling to myself, closing my eyes, reveling in the experience.

life-changing: i learned so much on this trip - about art, about traveling, about italy, about european culture, about music, about italian, about friends, about myself, about life. i did things i never thought i would be able to do and learned things i never imagined learning. i've changed so much as a result of this trip. i like it :]
i went cliff jumping into the mediterranean sea. i danced with random boys. i ate ice cream and pasta every day for a month. i drank at a bar in a foreign country and flirted with the bartender (with a little coaching from my roommate). i sat under the stars on the steps of the uffizi at 4:00am. i saw the pantheon, and the sistine chapel, and climbed the duomo, and saw/did countless other things that millions of people will never have to opportunity to experience. i took over 3,500 pictures. I WORE A TWO PIECE BATHING SUIT - in front of people. i ate chicken liver. i learned how to 'properly' drink wine. i literally wore out a pair of shoes. i made new friends. i made mistakes. i made memories.

i couldn't have dreamed up a better way to kick off this summer.
summer 2010 - let's go!