'lost in this moment now, ain't worried 'bout tomorrow when you're busy livin' in a perfect day' ~perfect day (lady antebellum)

it finally feels like summer. i just returned from a long weekend with the family in myrtle beach, sc and i couldn't feel more revitalized, tanned, or blessed. [well... i guess i could be tanner, but the fact that i have any color at all is a miracle in itself]

my weekend was filled with a whole lotta nothing - just the way i like it when there are beaches involved. no deadlines. no clocking in. no assignments. no worries. this conveniently freed up my mind to wander - and let me tell you, minds go crazy places when they don't have specific assignments to contemplate. of course, my mind chose the most daunting forest to meander into - my future. the prospects are hopeful though: i'm going to do what i love. when i pitched the 'i'm not going to be a teacher' spiel to the parents they were less than thrilled, but i think they'll come around eventually. actually i think it was the 'i'm going to take pictures for a living' that really threw them for a loop, but i may not have delivered it as smoothly as i could've either.

i decided at the beginning of the summer that it was going to be a care-free one. as usual, that didn't translate into quite what i had planned - but then again, when does it ever? granted, the beach was fabulous, but i was thinking that i was going to have these crazy adventures and do daring things that i never would've before - in some cases it's true [italia!!], but it hasn't exactly carried over into my summer-at-home experience as much as i thought it would. i guess i was expecting to be bold and confident and not care what people think. i thought that maybe i'd meet new people and have grand adventures with old friends. i was hoping to meet some amazing boy and have this fantastic summer fling that you read about in those teen novels where kisses on the forehead and falling in love come easily. i wanted cookouts and sundresses and flipflop tans and summer nights spent stargazing. i wanted fishing trips and sun tea and enough laughter to render ab workouts unnecessary. i wanted blissful, carefree, so-sweet-you-have-to-close-your-eyes-and-smile afternoons spent with lemonade and the latest issue of Southern Living on the back porch.

but that's not how it's happening. i'm not the flirty, smooth, confident young woman i had envisioned. i haven't given a complete stranger my number (i really really tried - i just couldn't do it though. i blush entirely too much and i can't speak straight when i get nervous... it's actually rather awful). i manage to work 7 days a week and haven't truly gone out with friends once since getting home from florence. i only drink lemonade at work. i haven't gone fishing - and it doesn't look like i'm going to have time to.

i'm failing at summer. well, not really - i figured out what i think i'm doing with my life. i guess that counts for something - right? anyway, there's still 3 weeks of summer left. i still have time... i hope.

"daisy dukes, bikinis on top" ~california girls (katy perry)

i just got back from my month long gita in florence, italy - and the only words i have for it can't possibly describe how mind-blowingly amazing it was.

stunning: it. was. GORGEOUS. everywhere we went, beauty was present. whether it was in the sparkling clearblue water of the mediterranean sea at cinque terra or the ruins of the coliseum in rome - i couldn't even begin to fully capture the breathtaking views either in memory or on camera. michelangelo's david literally took my breath away and the many churches with their mosaics, painted ceilings and ornate decorations were some of the most beautiful things i had ever seen. and the way the sun fell over the city around 6/7pm every evening made me stop and stare.

educational: i learned SO much. i sort-of learned italian... i can say hello and order food, but the best part was that my italian professor's name was luigi. win. the leadership class i took was awesome, i loved my professor and learned a lot about myself, my perception of others, and how both effect my leadership potential. i also learned a lot outside of class... like to ask how much something is before you commit to paying for it, just making eye contact encourages european men (hell, not making eye contact encourages them), you control your experience and how much fun you have and what you take away from any given situation, and so much more.

surreal: from the moment i boarded the plane in boston that took me 8.5 hours across the atlantic i kept thinking 'this is really happening' and then i kept thinking that until i got back home when it became 'that really happened.' i couldn't believe it. this little girl from walters was over 4,000 miles away from home in a country that she didn't speak the language or know how to navigate the city. i could hardly believe that it was happening - even though i was living it. walking through the sidestreets of florence, photographing everything, smiling to myself, closing my eyes, reveling in the experience.

life-changing: i learned so much on this trip - about art, about traveling, about italy, about european culture, about music, about italian, about friends, about myself, about life. i did things i never thought i would be able to do and learned things i never imagined learning. i've changed so much as a result of this trip. i like it :]
i went cliff jumping into the mediterranean sea. i danced with random boys. i ate ice cream and pasta every day for a month. i drank at a bar in a foreign country and flirted with the bartender (with a little coaching from my roommate). i sat under the stars on the steps of the uffizi at 4:00am. i saw the pantheon, and the sistine chapel, and climbed the duomo, and saw/did countless other things that millions of people will never have to opportunity to experience. i took over 3,500 pictures. I WORE A TWO PIECE BATHING SUIT - in front of people. i ate chicken liver. i learned how to 'properly' drink wine. i literally wore out a pair of shoes. i made new friends. i made mistakes. i made memories.

i couldn't have dreamed up a better way to kick off this summer.
summer 2010 - let's go!

"where the stars shine upside down" ~we danced anyway (deana carter)

i can hardly believe that this is actually happening. i'm really going to italy. this week has been crazy and today was absolutely insane getting ready, but i've learned a lot:

my parents helped me get this really nice camera for my trip (sort of an early graduation present / congratulations on paying for all of this by yourself) and when i started packing last night it was nowhere to be found. i had just moved out of my dorm yesterday and had moved stuff into the house i'm living in over the summer and into storage in the attic at school - so i figured that i had just put it in a box or something.

so i drive all the way back to williamsburg, already freaking out because i was dumb enough to forget it in the first place. i check the house to see if anyone is home (i don't have a key yet) and they aren't. i then call and get my area director to let me into storage in the attic of the dorm to see if maybe it's up there. i go through ALL of my stuff. still nowhere to be found. getting a little more panicky i drive back to the house. i can't get hold of the girls, so i call the realtor to get the landlord's phone number. they don't have it. instead, a man comes to try and get the key from the keypad-lock-thingy that's on the stairs (it's this little box that you punch a code in and then the key comes out). it doesn't work. finally, he gets it open and lets me into the house so that i can look through all of my stuff there. THE CAMERA ISN'T THERE.

now i'm in tears - bawling actually. i call my dad freaking out because i feel so stupid for having lost it after i tried so hard to keep everything organized and to be responsible. i start worrying that maybe i threw it away by accident or that it fell out of my car when i was stopped in a parking lot somewhere or Lord knows what else could've happened to it. amidst all of this i go to the police station to see if maybe someone turned it in there - no luck.

then i get a phone call from my area director asking me ' just how much stuff were you planning on leaving in your closet?' i had left a whole box of things in my closet. including my favorite stuffed hippo, my tennis shoes, a longaberger trashcan that santa had given me, a few shirts, my ironing board and (thank goodness) my camera.

literally, this is the most upset i've been in a VERY long time. but when i called my dad he kept saying 'it's just a camera caitlin - it's ok. calm down it's just a camera. you're going tomorrow regardless of whether or not you have that so don't stress about this so much' and he was right. it was just a camera. i needed the chill-the-heck out. it was just a camera.

moral of the story: calm down. don't worry about the things that [ultimately] don't matter.

itinerary for tomorrow:
3:45am - wake up and get ready for a loooong day
4:30am - leave for the airport
5:30am - arrive at newport news airport
6:30am - plane takes off
8:00am - plane arrives in boston - meet denee
8:30pm - plane leaves boston for rome, italy
next day: FLORENCE, ITALY

check out my florence blog:
http://wherethestarsareupsidedown.blogspot.com/

"time passed with amazing grace, back where i come from" ~back where i come from (kenny chesney)

this song describes where i'm from perfectly. the breeze blows softer, the smiles are sweeter, the stars shine brighter, and the people are more genuine. and i miss it some kind-of awful. consequently, i've found myself closing my eyes and putting myself on the front porch swing with grandmama playing with my hair and the breeze tickling my feet much more often than usual. and since i can't go home to get my fix of the good life, i'm going to write about how amazing it is and the things i miss about it the most.

this post is going to be cliche. i'm going to cry as i write this. those of you who know me well will have heard all of this, but i don't care.

home is absolutely the most amazing place ever. i realize home means completely different things for different people, but this is why my home is perfect for me:

i'm allowed to be barefoot whenever i want. the most comfortable place to sit is on a tailgate and the only acceptable thing to drink before 5 is tea so sweet your teeth fall out as you drink it. country music isn't frowned upon and somehow the hymns on sunday morning mean so much more. God seems closer when the stars are so much brighter.

i can climb trees and go fishin and walk to grandmama's and get eggs from the chickens down the road and vegetables from the garden and pick fresh strawberries and make pie for the preacher and wave at the cars that pass by the house. mama can tuck me in when i go to bed. i can play catch with danny and rusty in the front yard.

i can smell happiness. i can feel my troubles falling away.

i can swing on the old rope swing hanging in the oak between grandmama's house and ours. i can go swimmin in the creek. i can holler at the folks who live across the road when they sit on their front porches in the evening as the sun sets slowly. at the grocery store everyone knows your name and asks how your mama's doing - and they genuinely want to know.

people understand everything i say - and they don't think i talk funny.

it's heaven on earth. it's the only place i can be completely myself. it's where i'm from. it's who i am. it's so much more than i could ever put into words. it's where i want to be.

"she has a thing for mixed cd's - i think she's growin' on me" ~holiday parade (getaway)

this week has been rough. sleep has somehow managed to evade me, reading has gone undone for far too long, and sickness is upon me. oh - and i decided that what i thought i wanted to do for the rest of my life isn't really what will make me happy.

i'm all about plans - and lists. they give my crazy life a sense of order and meaning. i've had this mindset since freshman year of high school that i was destined to be a high school english teacher. i wanted to make a difference in the lives of my students like my teachers in high school made a difference in mine. so i apply to college, then to the education program, and i start education classes and student teaching. then, a couple of days ago, i realize that i hate it. i hate my classes, i hate the high-school classroom experience, i hate the direction my life is going.

obviously i panic. i've had this plan for so long, and i was so thoroughly convinced that it was what i was meant to do. then, all of the sudden i realize that what i thought was so perfect for me is making me miserable. so i call my best friend - and she says the most amazing thing: 'you've been making your own plans for so long, and i know that uncertainty stresses you out, but you've gotta realize that even if you feel completely lost and have absolutely no idea where your life is going all of the sudden, God already has it figured out.' she always knows exactly what to say :)

don't get me wrong, i'm still freaking out about this. i mean - the things i love are completely outlandish when it comes to a career. i love southern living magazine, and azaleas, and baking, and books, and coffee shops, and bed-and-breakfasts, and taking pictures, and sweet tea, and driving stick, and smiling, and wearing sundresses, and being barefoot, and writing, and little kids, and country music. these don't exactly equate to a successful career. but at least i have the comfort of knowing that someone knows where my life is heading. even if it isn't me.

'breakin' it down articulately' -body language (jesse mccartney)

over the past few weeks i've been making a conscious effort to become bolder, but i think it may have partially backfired.

firstly, i got a job as a waitress at hooters (since i know that only my good friends read this - i have no problem posting this... let's not spread the word too broadly ladies haha). i've been taught how to wear eye-liner, memorized the over 70 types of alcohol we sell, perfected hula-hooping, and learned to be a more assertive, confident individual - all while smiling, wearing little orange shorts and getting folks to buy beer. i know that there are people out there who think it's an awful establishment that exploits women, but i truly believe it's helping me to become more like the person i want to be. you CANNOT lack confidence when you are wearing tube socks with pantyhose and trying to learn the bar stool trick in front of a section full of guests. this is the part of my plan that has seemed to work in my favor.

however, my second attempt did not go quite so well. i may or may not have told a boy that i liked him. i also may or may not have scared him. i don't think he understood that 'i like you' is NOT equal to 'i want to date you,' but instead 'i enjoy hanging out with you, and would like to see you occasionally.' if being bold results in people misunderstanding me and high-tailing it out of my life, my plan to live a life more courageous obviously needs a little revision.

lesson learned: when being bold - be clear. say what you actually mean, and say all of it.

next step in the becoming a bolder more confident me = learning how to dance. this will hopefully be implemented this weekend ;]

'you've finally made your move, now i'm here to make mine' -the love i wanna be in (jason aldean)

while i'm on this whole 'being bolder slash more confident' kick... i've decided that it almost needs a list of its own. i've devized a 5-step plan to becoming a more confident individual, here it is:

1. stop apologizing: i've realized that i say 'sorry' entirely too much. there isn't anything wrong with apologizing, but i say it too often for things that don't really warrant an apology. if it isn't my fault, i'm not going to apologize.

2. make eye contact: when i walk to class, instead of staring at the ground like i normally do, i'm going to look ahead and meet people's gazes. and smile. this terrifies me - but it's going to work wonders for my self-esteem (hopefully).

3. give my two cents worth: i hardly ever raise my hand in class, but this semester that's going to change. while this does entail me having to actually complete all of my reading in a more timely manner, it will also involve me having to think quickly and not being afraid of sounding silly in front of my classmates. additionally, i'm going to give my opinion more often when working in a group setting. this scares me, but it needs to happen.

4. learn how to wink: yeah - it can be creepy, but it has the potential to be super awesome too ;)

5. flirt shamelessly: i'm excited about implementing this one at work, but i need to figure out how to carry this over into real life as well.

and there it is folks. my foolproof plan to becoming more confident. adding this with my current job and my friends to back me up - this is going to happen.

ps - i worked on the whole 'walking in heels' thing the other day - and i've decided that it's definitely a mindset. think the strut, be the strut, walk the strut.