'there's so much to be thankful for' ~thankful (josh groban)

dear lord, thank you for:
your love. sweet tea. laughter. mama's cookin. daddy's lovin. danny's smile. kristen. grandmama's applesauce. pop-pop's bear hugs. best friends. stars. sunshine. camo coveralls. tractors. mountain apple cider. boys who open the door for you. carhartt coats. skim milk. cheesecake. ribbon. a house whose roof leaks and windows let in cold air, but is filled with enough love to render those minute inconveniences irrelevant. cotton fields. dishwashers. sunday mornings. family. pictures. Italy. disney movies. MUSIC. guns. fords. ice-cream. dancing. the college of william & mary. toothbrushes. bathroom stall doors that open out instead of in. the piano. iPods. fudge. shoes. ben & jerry's. professors who care. the beach. mashups. fuzzy socks. the blue flavored chapstick. being able to come home to a place where it is completely acceptable to have more camo than jean in your wardrobe and a gun safe or two in your closet. dangley earrings. chocolate. poetry. stick shifts. google. the macy's thanksgiving day parade. little old ladies at church. gardens. canning. aprons. SOUTHERN LIVING MAGAZINE. color. puppies. cookies. kisses on the forehead. tutus. pie. cowboy boots and hats and wrangler jeans (and the boys who make them look so good). happiness. love. milkshakes. hope. great literature. tears. babies. quilts. vacations. office supplies. bubble baths. miracles. christmas music. glasses. walters, va <3
and so much more...

happy thanksgiving :]

"girl you're amazing just the way you are" ~just the way you are (bruno mars)

occasionally i have these brief instances of clarity and contentment. they usually come and go without anyone really noticing. they don't seem that important. whether it be riding with the windows down through the surry countryside after taking the ferry home or sitting outside in the sunshine reading/writing/listening to music, i can honestly say they don't happen very often; these moments in which i am completely and utterly at peace with myself, the world around me, and where i fit into it. moments in which i am not worried about academics, work, friends, family, but instead blissfully fulfilled. in these fleeting seconds of pure happiness i am more than satisfied with myself and where i am spiritually, intellectually, academically, socially, physically. these moments have always been short-lived. i go to sleep smiling and wake up too late to make it to church and remember that i have a portfolio due, 500 pages of reading, a group-project and two exams that week that i haven't started studying for because i've been working all weekend [welcome to life at the w&m].

but this last one was different. somehow the fleeting instance has turned into a timeless realization:

i'm not doin half bad.

no - everything is not perfect or enchantingly simple and flawless. but when will it ever be? i'm learning from my mistakes. i'm making new ones. i'm living. no - i'm not getting all a's or going out on dates with amazing guys or being bold or checking things off of my list-of-things-to-do-before-i-die or figuring out what i want to be when i grow up. no - i'm not getting everything right. but what kind of life would it be if i were? that's not what it's about. it's about embracing the world and yourself and all their perfect imperfections with a smiling face, open arms and a willing heart.

i can't be afraid to get things wrong. i can't be afraid to make mistakes. because in the end, the mistakes and how you deal with/overcome them are what makes you 'you.'

i can't really take full credit for this realization - i get by with a little help from my friends :] thanks christopher and deb lovelovelove

"i resolve - to regain my voice" ~back to where i was (eric hutchinson)

there's something about being barefoot that puts everything into perspective.

somehow over the past few months i've become so incredibly lost. i can't pinpoint exactly where it was that i started wandering off of the path, but now i appear to be in the middle of a very dense, very scary, very unfamiliar forest - with no clearing in sight. i've strayed too far from myself. recently, i've done things so totally uncharacteristic of the person i want to be... of the person i once was. don't get me wrong, that person was far from perfect; she was insecure, too apologetic, and she invested too much time and effort in too many of the wrong people. she most definitely didn't have everything together - that'll never happen - but at least she stood for something.

i'm disappointed in myself. i'm disappointed in the person i've become.

i need to get back to the sweet, blue-eyed young woman i once was - whose definition of a crazy night was watching a meteor shower at 4am across the james river with her girlfriends or eating an entire pint of ben&jerrys without any help. i want to get back to the wholesome, southern sweetheart who drinks chocolate milk for breakfast, isn't afraid to talk funny, puts her foot down when she needs to, and tells her little sister absolutely everything. i need to embrace the intelligent, smart-assed, quirky, quiet, loving, shy girl who refuses to allow herself to be compromised. she may lack self-confidence, but that's better than lacking self-respect.

i need to find her again. quickly.

"Gone for so long now / I gotta get back to her somehow / To American honey..."
~american honey (lady antebellum)

'get on your knees and dig down deep, you can do what you think is impossible' ~impossible (rascal flatts)

four years ago, as a senior in high school, i wrote my college entrance essay (which [by the way] i'm convinced is the ONLY reason that i got into william and mary... because it sure as heck wasn't my SAT scores). it was written about a 6-year-old boy with red hair, freckles, and a smile that could melt your heart - my little brother. it emphasized that the most important lesson i had ever learned was from a boy who only ate his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches folded (never cut down the middle) and was obsessed with thomas the train. in the smallest instance, a seemingly inconsequential happening, from the most unassuming person imaginable, he taught me that inspiration can come from absolutely anyone, anywhere.

yesterday, he managed to do it again.

danny plays for a pop-warner football team - offensive tackle (he's a little bigger than when i wrote about him last). they've really struggled this year; they almost didn't have enough players to make a team, a couple of the kids haven't been able to play because of weight restrictions, and they haven't won a game yet. they played yesterday, so i called him beforehand to wish him good luck and tell him to call me when they were done to let me know how they did. when i saw my mama's number flash up on my phone two hours later i knew it was him. he sounded SO excited when i picked up - he was still out of breath from running off of the field and i could tell that he was grinning from ear to ear. i just knew that they had gotten their first win of the season.

his response when i asked how the game went: 'kk, we only lost by 1 point!'

i was disappointed. and confused. these kids had been working so hard, been through so much. i wanted so badly for them to be rewarded for everything they had been through, but they had lost... and my little brother was happy about it. what was going on?

then i realized he was doing it again: teaching me the things i can't learn from the textbooks i read every day or sitting in the classes i go to each week. 'coach said he was proud of us kk! and daddy said i blocked good' - he was happy because they had accomplished something: they were improving. they made the coach proud.

truthfully, it wasn't about the score at all. it was about the experience, the lessons learned, the growth as a team. you can learn a lot from losing. and sometimes it is those lessons that truly matter - not whether you win or lose.

thanks danny, you never cease to amaze me. <3 you to the moon and back.

'i would like to think the best of me is something i have yet to see' ~dave melillo (this is 2005)

it’s here – the end of summer. the moment i’ve been dreading for so long is now upon me. oddly enough, i’m totally ok with it. i’m ready for senior year, change, new experiences… i’m ready for anything. this is really surprising to me since i don’t have my class schedule finalized, haven’t gotten any of my textbooks, and my room is a disaster. i’m juggling two jobs and soon classes on two separate campuses. to top it all off, i have no idea what i’m going to be doing once i graduate. as in: i don't have a job [or even the slightest inkling as to what it'll be] or even know where i'm going. honestly, i should be freaking out… but i’m not. i’m so incredibly ready for whatever comes my way. i'm ready for 'real life' to begin.

don't interpret this as me wishing away my senior year... i want to relish in every second of my time left at the w&m. it's more like i've accepted that it has to come to an end. i can't always live in the same dorm as my closest friends. it won't always be acceptable to drink until 6am or wear pj's in public. i'm going to miss this campus, the people, the opportunities, the making of memories.

the same is true for home. i will always love home and [almost] everything that comes with it, but it isn't where i will always be. it's time for me to define myself in terms other that where i've come from. home will always be the perfect place of pot-lucks after sunday service, just like school will be perfect in its own ways. but all at once i've found myself musing over the thought that the memories themselves are sometimes better than the places. memories have a funny habit of warping reality. they leave out the the hardships, the struggles, the hurt feelings. they make you forget how badly you wanted to get out of that stupid little one-horse town that couldn't mind its own business, or those late nights when you couldn't wait until the day when you work at a 9-5 and don't have to write papers or take exams.

i'll still go back for the people i love - and the nostalgia. it's still home, it always will be, but now it's where i'm from - not where i'll always be.

i already miss it, but it's time. senior year... here i come.

'lost in this moment now, ain't worried 'bout tomorrow when you're busy livin' in a perfect day' ~perfect day (lady antebellum)

it finally feels like summer. i just returned from a long weekend with the family in myrtle beach, sc and i couldn't feel more revitalized, tanned, or blessed. [well... i guess i could be tanner, but the fact that i have any color at all is a miracle in itself]

my weekend was filled with a whole lotta nothing - just the way i like it when there are beaches involved. no deadlines. no clocking in. no assignments. no worries. this conveniently freed up my mind to wander - and let me tell you, minds go crazy places when they don't have specific assignments to contemplate. of course, my mind chose the most daunting forest to meander into - my future. the prospects are hopeful though: i'm going to do what i love. when i pitched the 'i'm not going to be a teacher' spiel to the parents they were less than thrilled, but i think they'll come around eventually. actually i think it was the 'i'm going to take pictures for a living' that really threw them for a loop, but i may not have delivered it as smoothly as i could've either.

i decided at the beginning of the summer that it was going to be a care-free one. as usual, that didn't translate into quite what i had planned - but then again, when does it ever? granted, the beach was fabulous, but i was thinking that i was going to have these crazy adventures and do daring things that i never would've before - in some cases it's true [italia!!], but it hasn't exactly carried over into my summer-at-home experience as much as i thought it would. i guess i was expecting to be bold and confident and not care what people think. i thought that maybe i'd meet new people and have grand adventures with old friends. i was hoping to meet some amazing boy and have this fantastic summer fling that you read about in those teen novels where kisses on the forehead and falling in love come easily. i wanted cookouts and sundresses and flipflop tans and summer nights spent stargazing. i wanted fishing trips and sun tea and enough laughter to render ab workouts unnecessary. i wanted blissful, carefree, so-sweet-you-have-to-close-your-eyes-and-smile afternoons spent with lemonade and the latest issue of Southern Living on the back porch.

but that's not how it's happening. i'm not the flirty, smooth, confident young woman i had envisioned. i haven't given a complete stranger my number (i really really tried - i just couldn't do it though. i blush entirely too much and i can't speak straight when i get nervous... it's actually rather awful). i manage to work 7 days a week and haven't truly gone out with friends once since getting home from florence. i only drink lemonade at work. i haven't gone fishing - and it doesn't look like i'm going to have time to.

i'm failing at summer. well, not really - i figured out what i think i'm doing with my life. i guess that counts for something - right? anyway, there's still 3 weeks of summer left. i still have time... i hope.

"daisy dukes, bikinis on top" ~california girls (katy perry)

i just got back from my month long gita in florence, italy - and the only words i have for it can't possibly describe how mind-blowingly amazing it was.

stunning: it. was. GORGEOUS. everywhere we went, beauty was present. whether it was in the sparkling clearblue water of the mediterranean sea at cinque terra or the ruins of the coliseum in rome - i couldn't even begin to fully capture the breathtaking views either in memory or on camera. michelangelo's david literally took my breath away and the many churches with their mosaics, painted ceilings and ornate decorations were some of the most beautiful things i had ever seen. and the way the sun fell over the city around 6/7pm every evening made me stop and stare.

educational: i learned SO much. i sort-of learned italian... i can say hello and order food, but the best part was that my italian professor's name was luigi. win. the leadership class i took was awesome, i loved my professor and learned a lot about myself, my perception of others, and how both effect my leadership potential. i also learned a lot outside of class... like to ask how much something is before you commit to paying for it, just making eye contact encourages european men (hell, not making eye contact encourages them), you control your experience and how much fun you have and what you take away from any given situation, and so much more.

surreal: from the moment i boarded the plane in boston that took me 8.5 hours across the atlantic i kept thinking 'this is really happening' and then i kept thinking that until i got back home when it became 'that really happened.' i couldn't believe it. this little girl from walters was over 4,000 miles away from home in a country that she didn't speak the language or know how to navigate the city. i could hardly believe that it was happening - even though i was living it. walking through the sidestreets of florence, photographing everything, smiling to myself, closing my eyes, reveling in the experience.

life-changing: i learned so much on this trip - about art, about traveling, about italy, about european culture, about music, about italian, about friends, about myself, about life. i did things i never thought i would be able to do and learned things i never imagined learning. i've changed so much as a result of this trip. i like it :]
i went cliff jumping into the mediterranean sea. i danced with random boys. i ate ice cream and pasta every day for a month. i drank at a bar in a foreign country and flirted with the bartender (with a little coaching from my roommate). i sat under the stars on the steps of the uffizi at 4:00am. i saw the pantheon, and the sistine chapel, and climbed the duomo, and saw/did countless other things that millions of people will never have to opportunity to experience. i took over 3,500 pictures. I WORE A TWO PIECE BATHING SUIT - in front of people. i ate chicken liver. i learned how to 'properly' drink wine. i literally wore out a pair of shoes. i made new friends. i made mistakes. i made memories.

i couldn't have dreamed up a better way to kick off this summer.
summer 2010 - let's go!